This Saturday, the living dead and diseased will crawl the campus in search for revelries and brains. And let’s be real, ladies. All of us desire dates, or at least decent dancing partners, even when dead. Here’s my deathly take on snagging a rotten catch.
Snagging a zombie requires a brain. Gather a bunch of cherry-flavored and strawberry-flavored Laffy Taffy, or any red and pink chewy candy substance, and mold them together to resemble a brain. Make the brain bloody with cherry-flavored Squeeze Pop liquid. And every zombie knows: the more blood, the better. So, go zombie crazy with the candy.
Now, you have your brain bait. Before feeding the animals, you have to get their attention. Do so with your walk. There is no strut involved here, ladies. Instead, you have to perfect your zombie-walk. It is not a “bend-and-snap”. Arms out, toes in and think zombie. As opposed to a nice wink and smile, scream an inaudible sound at your desired zombie. Trust me: they will definitely pick up what you put down.
If these tricks do not cause whiplash from your desired zombie, ask the deejay to blast “Thriller” by Michael Jackson. That will definitely turn a few heads, and maybe even break a few necks (assuming that their zombie necks were not already broken). Be sure to learn all the proper moves to thrill an audience. No one wants to see someone wave their arms back and forth in a creepy fashion throughout the whole song; Michael Jackson will be rolling in his grave- or maybe even attending our zombie prom to teach us a thing or two (no promises).
After the prom, let us all hope we end up in our desired graves or preferred swamps. If not successful at snagging a zombie, I hope you spend the night having the time of your life, or rather your death.