There are just a few Twitter-viral phrases I’ve been repeating to myself in the past few months.
“Can’t get played if you play the game better.”
“The answer will always be: block him.”
“Don’t cheat on me, all I gotta do is post a selfie and I’ll have hoes for days.”
I caught myself fleeing from commitment, putting my guard up way too high, and generally being scared of getting hurt.
When I first started talking to this guy about eight weeks ago, I didn’t let go of my “Snapchat contacts.” One of my friends and I created a rule of always having three potential partners within reach — in case one of them doesn’t work out, we’d still have at least two other options.
We didn’t acknowledge how toxic that behavior was, though. To anyone that asked, the reason we were doing it was to have fun and always have options. In reality, we were doing it as a way to protect our feelings.
After failed relationships, that was a way that we found to not catch feelings and avoid being played.
As a result, whenever this new guy I was talking to said he liked me, loved hanging out with me or any other type of compliment, I took it as a lie. It would go right into one ear and straight out of the other.
To me, there was no way that he could actually mean it.
My parents love him. He compliments me and respects me and my limits. Even with all these qualities I still keep clinging to small things — such as taking too long to respond to a message — as signs that he does not like me.
I kept comparing his behavior to the ones I was used to. I kept comparing every single thing that he said or did to what I’ve known in the past. This guy might have good intentions but I couldn’t help but wonder if he was just faking it.
I’ve been trying to tell myself to stop comparing him to the people I’ve been with before. They are not the same person. Maybe I have a type and maybe they share some similar characteristics, but they are not the same.
It does not mean that I am going to ignore every single red flag that they might have in common. In fact, past relationships are good because they help you identify blind spots sooner and avoid repeating bad situations.
And the truth is, I am still very careful around him. I still cannot bring myself to completely trust everything he says because I still think that there is a possibility that he might be lying to me.
But what I am trying to do is take this relationship day by day, and I try to enjoy what we’re having at the moment.
Whatever happens, I will still have good memories with him, and I still learned a lot from him. Without trying, I will never find someone that truly is meant for me.
I’m trying to trust the process and take this relationship as something passionate, but at the same time with the lightness of knowing that with us there is no danger. We both are trying.