Dating apps are basically thrift stores. Sometimes you find something that’s surprisingly amazing, other times you leave confused, and then there are times where you leave wondering why those were the pictures people ended up framing in that weird section that’s mildly haunting.
If you’ve spent more than an hour on a dating app, you’ve probably met at least a few guys who make you feel the same way. Usually, they all come in the same fonts.
The “Bad texter”
They take 12 hours to respond to a message you sent trying to engage in conversation, but somehow always update their story, repost TikToks and change their profile prompts at least three times a day. Worst case, you see them on campus (and on their phone) the next day.
You start to convince yourself they’re just busy, but eventually you realize that their communication style is less mysterious and more emotionally unavailable.
The “retired” wyll warrior
Let’s set the scene. You’re lying in bed, bored out of your mind, and decide to redownload Hinge because why not. You’re swiping endlessly until one guy suddenly feels like a needle in a haystack. He’s gorgeous, seems pretty progressive (hopefully) and is at least an inch taller than you.
Feeling a little bold, you decide to send him a heart on his prompt that says “I want someone who… will laugh with me,” hoping it’ll be a conversation starter. Five minutes later? It’s a match.
You’re hoping maybe he’ll hit you with a message that is so corny you find it endearing. Maybe he’ll start some real conversation or ask you out on a date. But instead you get hit with a…
“u got snap?”
Within thirty seconds. So you leave him on read and delete the app again.
The golden retriever
This guy is genuinely excited to talk to you. He double texts, uses too many exclamations, asks questions and engages and maybe even sends updates randomly throughout his day.
Honestly, after meeting the emotionally detached population of college guys, it’s a breath of fresh air. It’s also suspicious, but your friends will always support it. Then he asks when you can come hang out at his place, and “suddenly,” conversations slowly die off.
The SELF-IDENTIFIED GYM RAT
Every picture will be of him at the gym. Him in the car. Him flexing in terrible lighting. Him manspreading on the gym equipment in the mirror.
And the bio will incldue one of the following:
- “6’2 bc apparently that matters”
- “Looking for a gym partner”
- “Looking for someone who’s blonde”
Under no circumstances should you match with this type of person.
The business major
His profile is clearly taken from parts of his LinkedIn; in fact, you could probably find his LinkedIn and see the same quotes. Unfortunately, all small talk will revolve around him, and there will be no back-and-forth communication.
Within the first few minutes of saying “Hey hru!” you’ll know his internship, five-year plan, what frat he’s in, his major — how hard it is — and how much of an entrepreneur he is.
After all of that fake interest, you still don’t know his personality and probably never will.
The “i’m never on here” guy
You’ll match, text for a solid day, then he’s suddenly “never on here,” and he “barely uses the app.”
He is, in fact, always on there. Don’t be fooled.
the dry texter
Despite going on a dating app, somehow, the largest majority are dry texters. Why would a man go on an app about connection just to not connect? Who knows.
What everyone knows, however, is that trying to text someone dry is like pulling teeth.
You match with your follow-up to his prompt, he explains the story in five words, and that’s all you get. Like a normal person, you reply, “That’s actually insane!” and he responds, “yeah lol.”
Dating apps can feel exhausting, weird, awkward and occasionally horrifying, but once in a while, they also remind you that there are real people behind the profiles. Everyone is trying to connect in their own strange ways. Even the fish pic guys… maybe.
I’ll always advocate for in-person interaction, but there’s no denying that dating apps have led to happiness for many.