In a class I took at West Chester University called Relational Communication, I learned that life is made up of conversation and communication.
Let’s think about it. What would life be without communication? How would humans function? How would we be any different than simple ants? We wouldn’t.
That being said, words make up a mere seven percent of what we consider communication. Usually, we think of words as the main attraction or main meaning-makers of interactions. It’s not until a tone is dramatic or body language is odd that the impact or even presence of other variables of understanding become prominent.
Even if we reflect on the surface level of what communication is — other people, personalities, tones and patterns — we uncover that the meaning we make is born from much more than just words.
What would happen if we only had words? What would happen if we were limited to simple sentences?
Taking away the variables of eye contact and meaning that come from being in the same place at the same time and experiencing the same external surroundings, would our interactions carry the same weight? Would you be able to make a solid meaning of them without the variables of everything else mentioned above?
If someone says “I love you,” does it make a difference if they were looking you in the eyes or not? What if you couldn’t tell?
Connection at 50%
Laying it out in this sense may seem abstract, unrealistic, even conceptual, but communicating strictly with words is something we all do daily online through our phones with our quick little thumbs. Texting is communication without all the ingredients, without even half of the connection you need to truly know someone.
But you know this already, don’t you? You feel the effects of it when they leave you on delivered and you find yourself making up excuses for them, or when they send a text that twists your stomach in a knot because “wtf did they mean by that?”
You feel the effects, yet you don’t discount them. You take real meaning from something so abstract and bare as, let’s say, a Snapchat score, without realizing how little weight it carries.
Or maybe you do realize. Maybe you say, “It means nothing, it doesn’t matter,” but do you really feel and believe those words?
It’s easy to make connections with people online, through Tinder, Snapchat, texting and more because it’s simple access that connects you. With these connections being so easily gained, how could they possibly hold as much real meaning?
The facade of connection is quick to come and quick to go when it comes from the outlet of your phone; maybe what we feel is just easy access to attention. It’s much easier to hide nonverbal cues in this setting to give or receive a facade of agreeableness.
Speaking of facades, just as someone looks different in person than they do in pictures, personality follows those same constructs but on a much more extreme level. We show our most favorable parts of ourselves online.
It’s easier to match a text tone than a real one, and it’s easy to keep parts of yourself hidden that you might not want to reveal just yet or ever.
So, it might seem easy to build connections with people online, but you’re less likely to keep that relationship unless you take it into real life. You’re not getting to know someone’s true essence until you see them face to face.
My advice? Don’t consider it real until you see them at least once in person; until then, it’s all glorified.
Rules for responding
So what happens once we see them in person — or what if we already know them, but the online connection comes later? How do we balance the meaning they bring through a phone with the meaning they bring you in real life?
Well, first and foremost, we realize that the meaning they bring over the phone doesn’t have to be real meaning. That is to say, it can be, but it doesn’t have to be.
When they’re texting you back super fast, yay. But then they stop responding, boo.
Is it gonna be awkward if you see them in person now? Can you say hi even though they stopped texting you back?
What interaction overpowers which? What holds more weight? This is the part where you decide, or the part where you stop letting half of an interaction online overpower a whole interaction in person.
Now, I know I keep saying online interactions don’t mean as much, but let’s take the time to understand why.
As I said before, words make up 7% of what communication is. When we’re left without that other 93%, we start to overthink and fill the gaps in other ways, like with snap scores, activity statuses or read receipts.
As a generation, we’ve created an entirely new code of understanding in an attempt to cope with our lack thereof.
Many of us would like to think it works; because they’ve left us on delivered for only one hour instead of two it must mean something. We rack our brains and feel sick to our stomachs trying to understand the communication of silence or bombardment we receive from crushes, sneaky links or friends via our phones.
It’s fun! Until it’s not.
Overcoming faux meaning
The reality is that we can’t put a real weight on online interactions. Maybe you think you can, but you shouldn’t.
If this mindset hasn’t already brought you down more than up, it eventually will. There is absolutely no need to let your peace rest on a simple response, replay or text.
Surely, it’s fun when the code of online understanding works in your favor, when they snap you back in under a minute or say “what’re you up to?” instead of “wyd.” But it’s ten times more draining to add meaning to these actions when they start acting against the pattern that makes you happy.
Let’s break away. Stop relying on faux patterns you’ve created in your head, and start relying on the reality of what online communication is based on at its core: convenience. Their convenience, your convenience, whoever, whenever.
Rely on the fact that you have no idea what their day looks like. You have no idea why they’re not responding, what their workload is, if their mom came to visit them.
I mean, maybe they are hooking up with someone else, but who knows? Choose to live in the bliss of ignorance; choose to believe they’re with their mom.
Contentment and power over your online relationships rest in your hands and your mind’s ability to rely on your connection with them regardless of how fast they respond. It is on you to make meaning and to make peace with the meaning you choose.
Choose to stop responding as much and start saying hey more when you see them out. Choose to be casual and text them whenever you want, but don’t play into mixed signals. Quit playing into overthought, strategic and confusing communication.
Put effort into seeing them once a week and gather info on how your relationship is going based on how they treat you in person. Leave the days of trying to decode their Snapchat attention span behind.
Keep them in a positive light by choosing to only analyze what they show you in person. Don’t torment yourself over a response if it’s too inconsistent to keep up with.
With all this in mind, it’s time to start focusing on real, in-person communication with all the body language, tonal indicators and more. Stop checking their Snapcore.