Yes, we’re counting calories again. Yes, we’re trying to lose weight again.
I almost immediately want to apologize; I know that your entire life has been a struggle between self-loathing and attempted self-love. But if we’re being honest, I think we’ve got this self-love thing a little mixed up.
Self love isn’t eating three servings of ice cream every day because hey, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, right? Just like self love isn’t always lying in bed doing nothing. Sometimes, self love is a bit harder than that, and this is one of those cases.
Whenever we’ve tried dieting before, it felt like a punishment. I told you not to eat something you wanted because you’re fat and we have to fix that, god damn it. By being your size, you inherently fucked up and had to pay. Then we’d get caught between these thoughts of “I shouldn’t have to lose weight to love myself” versus “but I don’t feel healthy or good in my own skin.” Which should we believe?
Well, I think both.
I’m going to learn to love you, body, whether we lose weight or not. You’ve kept my heart going for 19 years and all I’ve given you in return is hate. Scorn. Resentment. Body, with this letter comes a promise: I am going to appreciate you more. I’m going to love you whether you’re a size four or a size twelve. I’m going to cherish you and thank you every night for carrying me through another day.
But here’s the thing— I’m learning that it’s okay to love yourself and also want better for your body. I want to love myself, but I also want to lose weight. And that’s okay. Losing weight doesn't need to be a punishment. It doesn’t need to be an act of hate against my existing form.
It’s simply a means of bettering myself and feeling more comfortable with who I am. If we’re being brutally honest, body, we don’t always eat the best and we don’t work out very often. These are changes we can make not because you’re ugly, but because I want you to be healthy.
So, body, let’s give this a try— together. With a new mindset and love in my heart, I think we might be onto something.