Personally, I find conversations about body count to be as laughable as conversations about the monster under your bed. Are we seriously talking about these things as if they still matter?
Long ago, I realized that only I can control, dispel or ignite what makes me feel shame. So, long ago, I stopped caring about the general concept of a body count. Maybe I’m progressive in this, or maybe I’m just open to the idea of nobody ever needing to feel shame about what makes them feel good.
So yeah, I’m judging your body count, I’m judging the fact that you even have one.
If you’re reading this in hopes of gaining some new assumptions to pin on people or rage bait material, I recommend you do some self-reflection and question why you care about others‘ body counts because of your views.
Your body count is rooted in other people’s values
Coming to college, I always knew I would have to reframe and define my own thoughts on what it meant to have sex and explore experiences with other people. While this might not be the case for everyone, I found it very difficult to grasp how I should be judging myself and others in relation to this topic, mainly due to the nature of how taboo it was to me growing up.
Here is a quick review of the reaction sex usually invoked at a private school:
It’s revealed that someone or two people have sex, shockwaves are sent through the community, word is sent through the grapevine and people are not shy to make their very opinionated, usually misogynistic, views heard. Girls are slut shamed, made fun of and called out, and suddenly something private, fun and natural is being put on blast & ridiculed.
It’s taboo for women to talk about sex like they own it
This isn’t just my- or our experience either. You see it all the time on social media, through conversations with men and even other women. Men can sleep with whomever, women can’t be mothers if they’re sluts. Thot daughter or gay son? She’s ran through! She gets praise if her body count is low, but if it’s too low, she’s a prude.
If we base our decisions on the voices of others, we hear very conflicting messages: not respectable, used, not girlfriend material, and in the same double standard hell, men are the ones disrespecting, using and dumping us.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. By those standards, women should never have sex. Ever!
Whether you’ve been a victim of this double standard shame or have witnessed it happen, others’ attitudes on sex have undoubtedly affected how you think about the topic.
Body count = bad sex
If body count is seriously important to you, I question the reasons you’re having sex.
When I think of an intimate experience with someone, my first thoughts are comfort, immediate connection, how much I’m driven to want to go further… I don’t think about the weirdly ego-gratifying conversation about how many people either of us has “done it” with.
The conversation of body count always leaves me feeling like something’s been taken from me. Like I’ve been judged and defined, it’s a gross feeling. And personally, I think that’s a weird thing to get off on.
Sex is so much more than numbers, and coining it in the terms of “bodies” is just… weird, barbaric and everything that sex isn’t. So, to start by measuring your sex off of a number is to set yourself up to have bad sex.
Your body count will never be acceptable
Labeling your sex life as a number opens up doors for people to criticize you. Even if you accept that this number means nothing, other people may not. Sharing it with others just gives them room to judge, and judgment is something you never need.
Allowing judgment leads to shame. My advice is that you don’t allow your sex to feel shame over something that it isn’t: a number.
Keeping your body count low
A two-sided coin. If you’re someone who thinks sex is sacred, or better yet, someone who simply doesn’t want to have it casually, by all means, save yourself. Do it, however, for your own reasons, your own values and allow for such things to change with the tides by not holding yourself accountable if you end up wanting different things.
Try to get away from refraining from sex because you’re reserving yourself for other people, of which you’ve never met, e.g., “My future husband will like that I have a low body count.”
You are not for someone else to own access to, nor is what’s between your legs a prize. Sex is something for you. Not other people, not future partners, you.
It’s your experience and not something for others to own through their opinions of your experiences.
Loose and ran through
A somewhat dated argument that still gets cycled through conversation, “loose and ran through,” notions to the idea that women who have more sexual partners are physically more “used” and undesirable.
This argument never made sense to me. Date your partner for a year and do it every day, or sleep with five people once each in the span of 365 days. What’s the argument we’re even supposed to be making here?
The more I try to understand it, the more I see that these notions are simply rooted in objectifying women, as if they are a commodity that can be used. You are your own worst enemy if you are judging someone else’s sex by how it got to be, rather than what’s being delivered to you. Just enjoy it, and guys, do better. This conversation is just gross.
How you should view sex
Have sex, don’t have sex, reserve your emotions or make love passionately; the most important part of sex is that it should be shameless and a good feeling in and outside of the bedroom.
You are the only person who can beat yourself up over this stuff; you’re also the only person who gets to say what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to defining who you are. So, don’t be your own worst enemy; simply think whatever way makes you feel best.
Only you get to decide if you’re going to feel shame or acceptance over having sex- or not.
attributing alternate values
If you are teetering on the edge of dispelling your cares about body count but need an extra push, here are some alternate ways to care about sex and place meaning to it beyond the number of people you’ve done it with. Because come on, we are more sophisticated creatures than our judgments.
Meaning is created in the moment, not afterwards in some tally you rack up. So, strive to think of sex as in the moment, something for now or never, to be enjoyed, feel comfortable in and to express yourself as. Keep it personal and an experience only for you and the person you share it with.
Reserve sex as something people must earn, be stingy because it means something to you, and create encounters that are based on care and comfort.
Sex is womanhood, natural and meant to be desired, so have it for reasons of nature, self and enjoyment.
Getting to know people in an intimate sense is a privilege, not a nasty shame, own what makes your experiences: you, and craft them in whatever way you see fit. Create meaning from compatibility, attraction, rarity and selectiveness. You have the power to create any reason behind your sex; don’t let others define that for you.
While these are just some of the ways that helped me get over my own bad mindsets, I hope they shed some light on things you perhaps haven’t thought of before, or even reinforced what you already think. Be empowered, have the right reasons, your reasons, to follow the path you desire most, whether it’s sleeping with as many people as you can, or only sleeping with one, let it be your choice. Nobody else’s.