Trigger Warning: this story contains mentions of rape.
Few people understood why I distanced myself from everyone.
Even less understood why I stopped eating and why I was sad all the time.
No one understood what really happened.
It was a night where I lost a piece of myself.
15 year old intoxicated girl at a party, an easy target.
He was cute. Tall, blonde, blue eyes. He seemed like a good guy. We went to a corner together and kissed.
My head spun. I had had way too much to drink.
That’s when he started touching me and making me touch him.
I pushed him, but he was strong.
I said no, but I was too drunk to fight it.
So I let it happen. I let him steal a piece of me, a piece I will never have back. And as he left me there, alone in the dark, I started to cry. I knew I didn’t want it, but did I do enough to stop him?
The next morning I woke up bleeding. My friends didn’t take it seriously, and made jokes about the situation. I stopped talking to all my friends and tried to convince myself that it was nothing. How could I speak about it? How could I tell my family what happened? So I never did. And years passed, until I finally understood that I was raped.
My memory blocked part of it. But often the images come back to ruin my day, and make me rethink and relive the experience that most impacted who I am today. I have told some people. And even though they want to help, no one truly understand how much this event impacted and still impacts my life.
Every time I hear the word “rape”, I relive that dark night.
Every time I hear statistics about it, I know I am part of those numbers.
Every time I hear people questioning why women do not report, I know the exact reason why.
Every time someone makes a joke about it, I feel it in my soul.
And every time people question the woman’s clothes and or the amount of alcohol she drank, I blame myself.
It has taken me years to be able to share my story, even if anonymously. The reason why I got the strength to do to so is that I want other girls to know that it is not their fault. They are strong and they are worth it. And it may be a scar that lasts forever, but it should not define who they are.
If something similar has happened to you or someone you know, here is some valuable information that can help you:
Hotlines:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.SAFE
Legal Assistance: Womenslaw.org
If you need help, please don’t be scared to ask for it.