Being the Consistent Woman in a Man’s Life and Why It’s Toxic

A “situationship” is defined by Urban Dictionary as “a relationship that has no label on it… like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.” My attention was brought to this word this week and I felt pretty old when I started describing this situation and not being able to put a term to it. Essentially, from a woman’s perspective, if you are in a situationship you are the most consistent woman in a man’s life. The catch here is that you might not see this as a bad thing, until you realize that your relationship is not defined. Constantly thinking, “What are we?” “Am I allowed to be mad that he’s flirting with her?” “I miss my man, but he’s not really my man, but like, he is my man.”

 

Ladies, I am sure we have all been there and most often it takes us to be out of the situationship for us to realize that the reasons we are needed in a man’s life is completely screwed up. We’ve all felt that awkward tension when a guy starts talking about a girl he is seeing and, in your head, you are thinking, “Whelp, guess I’m the side chick here.” Our society often romanticizes the fact that we have the freedom to not label relationships as we might have in the past. Our parent’s generation is often confused by all of this nonsense because when they were young, you were seeing someone, dating someone, or married to someone. It was rare for relationships to be this weird, in-between dating, not labeled relationship. Why should we romanticize these relationships, when in reality they are just super confusing and frustrating for both parties involved? 

Spice Girls GIF

To quote the spice girls, tell me what you want what you really, really want and stop playing games. I have to admit, I personally like the chase because it’s fun and exciting but when I take a step back and realize I am just chasing a guy… I realize how incredibly stupid I have been. A situationship is essentially a giant game of tag, constantly running around looking like an idiot because you are trying so hard to “not be it.” I’m tired of “being it.” Tired of being the most consistent woman in a man’s life because if I am not his girlfriend and not his best friend, then what am I to him? We constantly see in our media that the question, “What are we?” scares men or just overall makes them laugh at us. I am fed up with feeling ashamed to ask that very important question. Let’s be honest with ourselves, if we are spending quality time with a guy and we are potentially attracted to them, how can we expect ourselves not to develop feelings? I have spent so much time in my life telling myself, “Do not fall for him. Do not let yourself. You are just friends.” Looking back, there was clearly something unexplored and I just didn’t want to feel like a fool for asking a guy to validate what I was thinking and feeling. 

My sisters, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel validated and reassured that you aren’t “crazy” and that you aren’t the only one feeling these things. Women often get depicted as “crazy” or “controlling” simply because we want answers and our society has told us that asking for them makes us needy for wanting a relationship to be labeled. In all reality, we as a species need safety and reassurance to be comfortable with our lives (hello Maslow’s hierarchy). Part of this is taking the responsibility to ask, “What are we?” and “Why do you feel the need to have me close to you in your life if you are going to just ignore the energy that is clearly here between us?” You aren’t crazy, you just want validation and that is okay. It is okay to want labels on your relationships. This does not make you controlling or needy or whatever society (*cough* the patriarchy *cough*) thinks they can label you as.