I’m in my senior year of college, and I still feel like I don’t have a grip on things. Every single day I feel swamped, like I can’t get a grip on all the pieces of my life.
Before the pandemic, going about my day and being constantly busy was at least doable. Now, I feel like I can’t even do that, and I find myself exhausted after doing the smallest things. Going to my internship office once a week feels like a big deal in my head, even going next door to get coffee seems like a chore.
The part that confuses me the most is that I’m doing less than I was two years ago. I’m in the same position in my clubs, but I am taking fewer classes and doing two part-time internships. Before the pandemic, I was doing all this while also taking up to six classes each semester at times. I honestly don’t know how I did it.
Getting back to normal is so much harder than I expected. It’s hard living without my family, it’s hard being motivated to go out in public, and it’s hard to keep up with the never-ending list of things I need to do.
Every single day I wake up feeling overwhelmed, and I fall asleep feeling the same way. Once I finish something, there’s always something else I have to do. I’ve started doing homework every day of the week when usually I kept Saturdays completely free from it.
This constant feeling of dread and panic is something I’ve dealt with for a long time, but I’ve never felt it as strongly as I have this semester – life is a constant go-go-go. In the morning, I work my internship, complete schoolwork, help with club stuff, and now I have to find the time for my other internship that’s just starting.
You could say I put too much on my plate, which is true, but I’ve always been this way. I always do too much, and I’m usually able to handle the overwhelmed feeling, but that is not the case this time around. Being overwhelmed is not a good headspace to be in constantly, but I can’t seem to shake it.
I meditate, I nap, I stream my favorite programs, I FaceTime with my friends. I try to relax, but I always get that nagging feeling like I should be doing something else – like I still have more to do, or need to be more productive.
I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I want to normalize this feeling. To make people feel like it’s okay to tell others that you’re overwhelmed. My friends are struggling, my classmates are struggling, everyone’s struggling to keep their head above water.
I just hope I can reach a place where I finish everything I need to do and take a breather. I’d love one day not to worry about anything, but until November, that break will not come.
So, for now, I will keep chugging along.