Serves: One
Cook time: Up to the chef
- one warm shoulder to place your head
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This shoulder should feel like walking into a house with a lit fireplace and no other lighting. It is warm, familiar, and it will let you speak.
- A PLAYLIST OF SONGS YOU COULD NEVER RELATE TO UNTIL your HEARTBREAK (TAYLOR SWIFT RECOMMENDED)
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“All Too Well” 10-minute version was a favorite of mine to scream in the car with my two sisters (one is 12 and one has never been in a relationship). When we scream it in the car now, they are uncomfortably greeted with my tears and high volume. It has become less fun for them, but extraordinary for me.
- A THICK JOURNAL, A NONFICTION BOOK AND A PEN
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As consuming as every individual thought is, they would be more comfortable in a different area for a little bit. A fresh and empty journal gives you the chance to better recognize, formulate and reflect on your thoughts. Get a fun colored pen to feel a little bit younger while you’re at it.
As I learned to celebrate every little achievement I had through a breakup, touching a self-help book made me want to buy myself a medal and have a parade. I am currently reading “Everything I Know About Love” by Dolly Alderton and have found her reflections on heartbreak make me feel overwhelmingly seen and a little less crazy.
- THOUGHTS OF THE WORLD ENDING
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To find who you believe has the other half of your heart is a rare and beautiful experience. Who else could have the other half?
Before you know it, your once entire heart is broken in half. That is when you believe the world is ending; these thoughts are normal, don’t worry.
- REMEMBRANCE THAT THE WORLD IS STILL SPINNING
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A few days pass and you realize life is going on and the sun continues to rise. Your heart has been whole this entire time; it belongs to you.
Keep remembering.
- THREE to FIVE “THESE ARE TEAR-SOAKED, I SHOULD WASH THEM” PILLOWCASES
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Extra points if you dye your hair red and the dye is now also bleeding into your pillowcase. Don’t forget to wash your sheets while in your grieving process, even if they don’t stay dry.
- strong urges of hate (love recommended)
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Cue the Grinch: “Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Double hate. LOOOOOOOATHE entirely.”
Trust me, no one is out to get you. Love is a thousand times stronger than hate and it is much easier to share.
You have every right to be angry, but don’t let those around you into a cycle of your undeserving anger.
- scrolling fingers (giving them a break recommended)
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Stalkers come together. Here are some worthy contenders: your ex (obviously), your ex’s other ex, your ex’s parents and siblings, your ex’s friends, your ex’s following, etc. Make sure you check every one of their social media platforms.
Stalkers disperse. It is unproductive and you will eventually reach a point, no matter how long it takes, where you become uninterested.
- a pint of a 10-second-microwaved ice cream
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My personal means of survival included Penn State’s famous creamery ice cream (chocolate chip cookie dough) that I bought in the market of my dorm building. Ensure you put it in your cheap dorm microwave for 5-15 seconds so you don’t have a meltdown trying to eat it with your plastic spoon.
- the desire to move out of the country
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A true classic and unrealistic thought process! I rewatched “Call Me by Your Name” (mistake) and decided that running away to Italy would heal me.
Keywords: running away. Your feelings will follow you, FYI.
- the desire to call
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Even more of a true classic. Whether you are “no contact” or not, it can feel as if getting one last conversation is all you need. One more conversation would make things better, get you guys back together and heal the planet.
To be a true ingredient in this recipe, ensure you stare at their contact for at least ten minutes before putting your phone down and turning it over.
- at LEAST three mundane discoveries per day
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Remember that author you liked, but your ex didn’t read? That Taylor Swift album you stopped listening to because your ex had a strange grudge against her?
That shirt you liked that your ex said was unflattering? That hobby you never had time for because your ex made sure your schedule was full?
Find them again.
- YOUR MOM’S PHONE NUMBER (EX’S MOM’S PHONE NUMBER ALSO RECOMMENDED)
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Moms, what are they good for? Everything, but especially heartbreak.
They tend to know much better than you do and somehow know just what to say. Consider your ex’s mom if you’d like an equally comforting but significantly more realistic conversation.
- A children’s coloring book
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Important: Key work “Children’s.” Do not buy an adult coloring book.
Buy a Lisa Frank one and some thick markers so you can color your heart out.
- text messages from an old friend
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That girl from middle school that you are still mutuals with on every platform but don’t speak to will likely text you to let you know that she sees you. She will tell you it gets better and you will learn to believe such a saying as more and more of those mutuals say the same.
- the old box of clothes in your closet (AVOIDING CLOTHES FROM FRESHMAN YEAR RECOMMENDED)
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Perhaps this just holds true if you dated the captain of the lacrosse team in high school, but my clothes that weren’t sweatpants or leggings or straight blue jeans remained in my closet upon being “wifed.”
Now that you have people to impress, you might as well try and impress one that likes you for who you are. I missed my funky patterned pants and bright orange tank tops without the Lululemon logo on the back. Bonus points if you avoid wearing your ex’s clothes.
- all of the strong women you can find
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This is self-explanatory. The women in your life are a key to this heartbreak recipe.
They will help you mix every ingredient and ensure you remember to turn off the oven. Lean on them — they understand.
- a floral planner from target
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With all of this unfamiliar time on your hands, a paper planner is a great way to feel a tad more organized. I am emphasizing the paper part, floral is (somewhat) optional. Like journaling, writing on paper involves you and your body in the process.
Also, you’re buying something from Target. Retail therapy is truly effective.
- TWO TO THREE SETH ROGEN/JONAH HILLS FILMS IN A ROW (“THIS IS THE END” RECOMMENDED)
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Ensure this is done on a Friday night by yourself in your freezing cold bedroom. Be covered in a heavy blanket and the smell of your microwaved ice cream. Turn the lights off and let yourself fall asleep, only after finishing “This is The End.”
Make sure you laugh any time Michael Cera comes on screen.
- newfound knowledge on the best reply when someone says: “you will find someone else”
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The best answer here is none at all. Have a laugh whether you believe them or not.
- despair, guilt, misery
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Understandably, heartbreak is pure grief and overwhelming helplessness as you enter it. Your bed becomes your home, your phone becomes both your escape and enemy and your teeth go unbrushed.
- hope, gratitude, happiness
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As the bad feelings pass, there becomes space for the good ones. Just when you think life is over, the birds sing a little louder, that hug feels a little tighter and the sun rises in the morning and sleeps at night just as you reminded yourself in the beginning of it all.
Nobody has ever heard the word heartbreak and visualized simplicity. I hope this recipe finds you well and that the hope, gratitude, and happiness persevere.
Time will continue to pass, so let it.