After this semester, I will be transferring from Penn State. It has been a hard year. I lost myself and all motivation, and became a negative shell of myself.
I came to college hoping to revamp myself. The expectations I held not just for college, but for myself, were extremely high. I imagined myself becoming the person I have always wanted to be, not the person I truly am.
I struggled making friends, a struggle that I never had before. In clubs, I felt silent and untalented. I did not enjoy the party atmosphere. I felt weird, awkward, boring and the opposite of the girl I wanted to be.
Arriving at Penn State slowly taught me that I can not be the person I wanted to be and that realization depressed me. Which ultimately, drew me farther and farther away from myself.
First semester was the hardest. I was just getting through everyday. I had lost every sense of motivation and fulfillment.
Winter break recharged me. Second semester, I tried to go into it positively. I think my strong urge to stay positive got me through the seasonal depression.
One class in particular, BISCI 3, really encouraged me to see the good in life. It snapped me back into reality and made me realize to look at the positives of my experience.
Everything is a lesson and everything happens for a reason. Despite the negatives, I learned and gained from my worst moments.
Is Penn State the place for me? No. But what did I get out of my experience?
I gained lifelong friends — Chesney, Carleigh and Natalee. They were my lights when everything was dark. When I felt lost, just their presence comforted me. The amount of love I have for them is unreal, and I will cherish my time here because of them.
They made me realize that the people who love you will love you despite flaws you may see in yourself. When I was negative and wanted to rot in bed all day, they still welcomed me with open arms.
Not only that, but despite their sadness that I am leaving Penn State, they remain more supportive than ever. They never once doubted my excitement to move on, but were proud of me. That is what true friendship is.
Additionally, losing myself gave me the ability to rediscover who I am. The beauty about hitting rock bottom is that you can start again with more appreciation.
I was so set on becoming someone else, this new college me, rather than appreciate who I am. I could not grow if I never saw the beauty in the person I am. Losing myself reminded me to embrace the qualities and uniqueness that is already within me, rather than create an alternate persona.
I started dress up again, rather than wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt everyday. I dressed like me. I bought a journal and I doodled and wrote in it.
I let go of the expectation to become someone else and embraced the beauty of who I am.
My experience here also taught me the power of positivity. I found myself at my worst when all I saw was the bad. When I walked to class, miserable, and always had a negative comment to add, that was when my mental health was declining.
But when I decided to approach it from a different perspective, from the BISCI 3 perspective, is when I started blossoming. When I decided to sit outside, listen to the birds and go get ice cream with friends. When I started finding gratitude in the mundane was when I slowly started feeling myself again.
I realized that it is okay to leave an environment that is not benefiting you. I learned to trust my gut and become more in tune with my feelings. People will try to tell you what is right for you, but you know you best.
I can not find comfort in discomfort. Even though I will miss my people here, I know for me that I have to move on. And that is okay.
Overall, I have been so focused on leaving, with less than two weeks left I finally recognized that I will miss this place. I learned, I made friends, I made enemies, I lost myself, I found myself and now we are here.
It is my time to move on. I am not meant to be here, but I was meant to learn here. This school taught me the lesson it was meant to, and new places call for me.
Life is a beautiful whirlwind of lessons, experiences and memories. I will probably go through some dynamic, deep, life alterning realization at my next school, too.
So with that, goodbye Penn State. Thank you for the lessons you’ve taught me. I will certainly visit.