Heart is in a place I don’t want it to be
Logic versus emotion
Heartbroken and hazy
Commitment and devotion
Fell far too easily
Oh sweet nothings, how did you become my biggest fear?
We’ve all been there. You meet a boy and your heart starts racing. There’s something in the back of your mind telling you to be cautious, to take things slow and for the most part you listen. He suggests that you hang out more and you agree, since what’s the worst that could happen? You are unsure about this boy’s feelings, but you’re also unsure about your own, so it’s ok. Two people can hangout without it needing to become something more. But it’s no longer just one hangout anymore, it’s twice a week, three times and before you know it, it’s twice a day. Before you know it, he’s always tangled up in your thoughts, his name leaves your lips more times than you can help and you see yourself willing to do anything just for a glimpse of that crooked smile. You’re sure he feels the same, after all, his words and actions tell you so. You sit down with your friends and try to decode his behaviour. What does it mean when he sends you those good morning texts? Or when he immediately gives you his jacket when you get cold? What about the promises he makes? And that one time he held your hand and you felt the electricity running through your fingers? All of this must mean something. You’re sure he feels it too. At this point you’ve convinced yourself, so you go for it. You plunge into this unknown, sure that he will be there. And he is. You share moments, looks, strokes and sugar-dipped words that make your head spin. You decide to let go and enjoy the swaying tides. Then one day, you invite him to come over, knowing this might be the night that something might happen and before you know it, something does. Bodies become one, legs intertwined. Summer love in January.
But with a new day, comes a new perspective. And what seemed to glisten with hope, no longer has its shine. No more good morning texts, no more secrets looks and inside jokes. No more him. Oh sweet nothings, you got me again.
Now, I’m not here to lecture you on why you should make smarter decisions or how you should live your life by any means. I’m just here to tell you that if like me, after years of repetitive mistakes, late night tears, and confusion, there’s hope. So think of this article as advice that should be taken with a grain of salt.
My first advice to you, hopeless romantics out there, would be to wait. We live in a world where we’ve gotten spoiled by obtaining everything -or almost everything- we want right away. Our generation has an inexplicable sense of urgency. We not only want everything, but we want it now. We no longer let ourselves enjoy the small things, making life a blurry haze of confusion sometimes. However corny this might sound to you, I believe this is linked to our incapability to commit to others, hence feeding into the idea that many guys have of “doing college right”. Since we were taught – or fooled – that we can have anything, this theory has made it’s way into our love lives. We’re suffering from dating FOMO, people. We are happy with what we have, but we’re afraid of settling. A best friend once told me that he was perfectly happy with a girl he had been casually dating for a few months, but he had this unsettling feeling that he might be missing out on something else. And this is not the only dating area that could use some patience, the person being pursued no longer lets him or herself be pursued. Let me explain. When I look back at how my parents fell in love, it seems like such a lovely, long process. But when I compare it to how we date, oh my god. We seem in such a hurry to do everything. We no longer enjoy dating. We either want to keep it so casual that we can see other people or we jump in so fast we don’t get to know the other person. Or worst, we’re in the gray area of dating for so long, that when we break up, we realise we weren’t exclusive until half the time we were together. Doesn’t that sound exhausting? So, if there’s one piece of advice I would encourage you to take, it would be this: Take things slow. Enjoy the process. I love courtship. Knowing that someone likes you and is trying to impress. I love it so much, I’m even giddy just talking about.
My second piece of advice would be: don’t confuse cynicism with being smart. Although I am a self-proclaimed Summer Finn, I can admit that sometimes I catch myself being extremely cynical and I’m amazed. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to believe in happily ever after, love at first sight, soulmates and all that nauseating stuff. But something happened along the way and now, I built walls guarded by sarcasm and cynicism. Not only was I cynical, but I also became extremely negative. This was a weird period of my life, but if I learned anything during it, it was that just because I build walls, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to get hurt. As a matter of fact, I no longer had others hurt me, but I would hurt myself by not letting anyone in. It sucked. But don’t worry, there’s hope. If you’re currently in the same funk that I was a few years ago, you will eventually find your way back to believing in love. The key is to be smart. At this point, you may know all the tricks in the book, so be smart when it comes to love. Don’t let someone that you know isn’t worth your time, take up so much space in your life.
Third piece of advice: just because a jerk tells you he doesn’t want you, it doesn’t mean you don’t have someone amazing coming your way. It’s cruel to think you’re broken or damaged after a bad experience. So selfish and fickle to suggest your youth has run its course on love and luck. I wholeheartedly believe that our minds have the power of attraction and that the universe is a mirror, meaning what you put out there will be reflected back. So the more you think you won’t find love and that you’re damaged goods, the more you will attract people that won’t be any good to you. So instead of dragging your mind through a never ending maze of self-hate and relying relentlessly on the fantasy of love with the wrong people – albeit wonderful at times – instead focus on the things that you love. Love will come your way, eventually, and I promise it will be worth the wait.
And last but not least, I don’t want to be the one to tell you to invest the love you want from others into yourself from you, but I am going to be that dick and tell you this as my fourth and final piece of advice. Rarely do we give ourselves the chance to realise that the person who we spend the night with, is not always the same person who ends up picking up the pieces and nourishing us the next morning. Rarely do we give ourselves the chance to realise that the person who will always love us the most, ends up being ourselves. Learn to love and appreciate yourself because in the long run you, will look back and be grateful you did.