I grew up with a terminally ill mother who had a faith just as big as her heart. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was six years old and my youngest brother was only a few months and with her diagnosis came what I later learned was my anxiety. I had an almost constant tightness in my chest when I would leave for school in the morning because I was afraid she wouldn’t be there in the afternoon and experienced major FOMO when she would get me out of bed at night to watch a movie with her, but that wouldn’t happen because I was already asleep and she would tell me about it in the morning. Basically, I grew up with a constant fear of losing my mother and on January 4, 2008 I entered my final layer of Hell when I woke up in the morning and she didn’t.
My brothers and I didn’t go through therapy until five years later, after my high school strongly encouraged it. Why? Because my father was more aware of something that my young mind wasn’t – the art of grieving. Everyone handles things differently and he didn’t want to send three young, impressionable minds into a group setting where they may think that they aren’t coping in the correct way.
Grief is defined as a deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death and when you Google it you not only find links to articles about the five stages of grief, but you also find articles about what grief is normal and what isn’t and honestly, that’s f**cked up. Yes, there does come a point when grief can be taken too far, but there are also the five stages. Everyone goes through these stages, and everyone also goes through them at their own pace.
There are five stages of grief and as previously mentioned, there is no time clock on each stage. In order to grieve in a healthy way, you can take as much or as little time as needed and you can do it on your own or talk through it with someone. No one feels what you feel, but they can listen to you.
1. Denial/Isolation: Our immediate defense mechanism that allows us to kind of put off the shock of the loss until we can wrap our mind around it.
2. Anger: This can be at the loved one that has been lost or really anyone that you feel could have helped in some way. When going through this stage, don’t be afraid to ask questions whether it’s a million questions or one. You’re allowed to ask questions and you deserve answers to help you through your grief.
3. Bargaining: We begin to make deals with God, or whichever higher power you believe in, as an attempt to rewrite the past in the hopes of making things better.
4. Depression: There are actually two types of depression that are associated with grief. The first is more of a “practical” one that relates more to funeral costs and dwelling on whether or not you’re spending enough time with others that you love. The second is a more private one that involves mentally preparing for the final goodbye and sometimes all this needs is a hug to numb the pain a little.
With depression, it gets a little tricky. Talk to your doctor if it lasts for more than two weeks or if you begin to have suicidal thoughts.
5. Acceptance: You come to terms with what has happened and feel at peace with the situation. You feel a calm surround you; however, this is not a wave of happiness and should not be confused with depression.
Remember, grief is a personal experience for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. There is no time frame for all of five stages and some may never complete all five. It is not a guarantee that you will ever be fully at peace with the loss of your loved one and that is also perfectly fine. Another thing not to forget, it’s okay to feel happiness after loss. Enjoying life does not mean that you’re forgetting your loved one nor does it mean that you love them any less. They would want you to be happy and enjoy the life that you have.