The phrase “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,” can be applied to my life if rewritten as “fool me repeatedly, on a biweekly basis, shame on my mother for bringing me into this world.” Needless to say I do not learn from mistakes well.
For instance, I once heard a strange noise coming from a trashcan by Ray dining hall. A rustling, if you will. Curious, I leaned in to see what was the ruckus, when—WHOOSH. A giant squirrel came flying out of the thing like a bat out of hell, a banana peel clenched tightly in its little squirrel paws.
I was more than a little surprised and a squeal of terror popped out, causing passerby’s to stare. For a moment we just stared at each other, wide eyed, gazing into each others’ souls, before it collected its prize and tore out of there.
I am ashamed to say that this has happened at least five times now, and every time I scream like a little girl.
Personally, I think all the squirrels have gotten together and formed a conspiracy against me, specifically targeting me when I’m at my most unsuspecting. For instance, TWICE now I have been sitting in class when a squirrel suddenly went clawing up the window screen like a spider monkey, both times I had a minor heart attack, and BOTH TIMES they had a slice of pizza in their mouth! A whole slice! I hope it became morbidly obese.
Another mistake I can never seem to avoid, again due to my own stupidity, is buying coffee from PC Perk. Here’s how my inner monologue usually goes:
STUPIDITY: Hmm, I’m exhausted, and I still have two more classes and a lot of television to watch. I should probably grab some coffee to keep myself awake….
COMMON SENSE: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, skippy. Remember last time you got coffee at PC Perk? Remember what we decided?
STUPIDY: Erm… never again?
COMMON SENSE: That’s right. We promised ourselves never again. It tastes like someone stuck mud, toxic waste and the essence of shame into a blender and served it with whipped cream. We can’t do this again.
STUPIDITY: But it’s Starbucks!
COMMON SENSE: No! No, it is not Starbucks! It is but a shadow of the glory that is real Starbucks! It is an embarrassment to the Starbucks name! Now let’s just keep walking!
STUPIDITY: Yeah… but maybe this time it will be different.
COMMON SENSE: We’ve been saying that for four months! It’s time to give up!
STUPIDITY: Just one… more… time…
COMMON SENSE: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
And so I buy the coffee. And I get really excited about it. And I take a sip. And the rage and disappointment I feel practically bring me to tears. The hatred I feel for everyone involved in the making of my cup of coffee is palpable. I want to throw myself across the counter and destroy the entire bodega in a fit of rage, throwing cups and employees and blenders around like confetti.
But of course I can’t do that, because after experiencing this for months now I should have learned my lesson. That’s what a normal person would do. A normal person would remind herself that they hate PC Perk coffee and contain their murderous thirst for caffeine. Just like a normal person would remember that if a trashcan is inexplicably rustling, there’s probably a squirrel with a murderous thirst for blood inside. But unfortunately, I have yet to learn this lesson. I’d like to hope that by my senior year I will have learned my lesson, but something tells me I will still be wandering around campus with my nasty coffee, getting the bejesus scared out of me by rogue squirrels.