I’ve been craving a relationship pretty hard the last month or so, as I’m sure a lot of you can relate. I haven’t had much – hah! more like any – luck, and I’d develop and drop crushes almost instantaneously, all felt with way too much conviction that we were soulmates. Crushes are dangerous in that regard, folks; check yourselves before you get too attached, okay? Least of all for your sanity’s sake, but also for the sake of anything you may do in the near future to throw a potential friendship to the wind.
So, I was worried but simultaneously excited that I was going to be alone for a week with no responsibilities. What a life! But I’m one of those people that rejuvenates from solitude; in other words, I can’t always be around people. I’d go crazy.
That being said, I’ve been worried about my potential for a relationship for the last 1 ½ years or so. I told my counselor at home that I was afraid to have a relationship because I thought I had commitment issues. Even though I had only had a few sessions with her, she helped me realize it’s not that I can’t commit to things – I get passionate about the things I love, as any of my friends can attest – I just get bored easily, and have to keep moving. I can’t stay in one place very often.
I digress. I went for a walk the other day, as I hadn’t been outside in 2 days, and noticed something really interesting. In my apartment, I was happy. I was happy being alone and operating on my own schedule with no distractions. Then I went outside, and it was pure chaos. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, everyone decided it was a good idea to go and roam around, getting those Black Friday deals, what have you.
Since I was alone, and everyone else was with someone, I really wish I’d had company in those two blocks or so I walked. It made me wish I had more friends, had someone to talk to, to pretend I was having a good time with so as to potentially make people jealous of my life.
Then, I crossed 6th & Penn Ave, and it was silent. I swear to god, it was like someone flipped a switch and there were maybe two people on the street, and nothing to be heard except the traffic in the near distance. Then, I was content being by myself. I took some pride in it, once everyone else was gone. This triggered an inner monologue with myself about the true nature of my “loneliness.”
This made me think that society might have a stronger hold on me than I thought. Or maybe I’m breaking free of that hold, I don’t know. I just know I’m afraid of a relationship because I feel like my commitment to it will last as long as that switch from crowded to empty streets.
I don’t understand the way my brain operates in that regard, but I think for now, I’m gonna stick with my solitude. I hope this gave you something to think about as you move forward with your life. Maybe take into consideration some of these societal influences that we may not notice and that primarily go undetected.