Do you ever get the unquenchable urge to help your friends solve all their problems, no matter how big or small? Feel an inexplicable thrill during an Ebay bidding war? Get genuinely angry when your male friend just will not put on a goddamn coat to spare his life? Congratulations, you’re probably the Mom-Friend.
Don’t worry, you’re a cool mom.
I never understood why I felt such a protective urge over my friends, or why I would try to force them to have a cup of tea with me after a long day. I didn’t get why they would ask for advice on subjects I definitely had not idea about but still somehow had answers. Then it hit me. I am the Mom-Friend.
In every circle of friends, there is the mother. Particularly as we get older and have our biological mother controlling us less and less, there always emerges a kind, badass, not at all boring leader of the pack who nurtures the group with his or her unexpected parental powers. They can be boys, too. Dad-friends are of equal caliber and importance. We won’t get into the gender of it.
Trying to decide if you are the Mom-Friend? Check out this list and see how much you relate. The kids still say “#relatable” these days, right?
1. You love showing off your friends and hyping them up
Listen, you got some bomb-ass friends who do really cool things. Things that deserve to be shouted from the rooftop! Whether they got into their dream school or nailed that job interview or just got with a really, really hot person, your pride for them can never be contained.
2. Your purse is an endless vortex.
Lipstick, receipts, loose gum, pens, pills, hair ties, a Jenga piece, napkins you stole from Chipotle because you KNOW someone is going to need it; your purse has it all. If only you could just find that earring you put in there a week ago…
3. You have an arsenal of medicine in your purse.
Scratch or paper-cut? Finding Nemo Band Aid. Stomach ache? Travel-size tums. Cramps? My Midol is your Midol. Headache? Here’s two Advil. No, you just need two.Three will damage your liver. Don’t look at me like that. Have some water.
4. You always have snacks. Always.
Trail mix, goldfish, granola bars (assorted), peanut butter crackers, dark chocolate, dried fruit, usually some weird vegan thing you get people to try because you don’t want to throw it out, if someone comes to you hungry, they are leaving fulfilled. They want junk food? Fine, but they better eat something with some semblance of nutrition when they get home.
5. You have pictures of your friends everywhere.
Not just the lockscreen on your phone; You got frames on your desk, dresser, hanging on your wall with light-up clothes pins, everywhere. Wallet size photos in your purse from their graduation parties? Landscape AND portrait size, babies.
7. You keep your friends safe.
Your girl may be really feeling John from Alpha Beta Apple Pie who bought her seven shots and a beer, but you can bet your beer pong balls she will be coming back with your group, thank you very much.
8. You love hanging out with your friends, but you’d rather stay in on the weekends, tbh.
Going out can get exhausting. Sometimes, you feel way better when you just stay at home and read the New York Times or watch Will and Grace with a cup of tea…or you know what? Break out the wine. It’s been a hard week.
9. You’re a GREAT listener.
You are always there for your friends and have your listening and empathizing skills down. As Roxane Gay says in her NYT’s Best Selling Essays, Bad Feminist, every session of listening preceded and/or ended with an enthusiastic and empathetic “GIRL!” goes a long way.
10. And you give the absolute BEST advice.
You are so wise. You might not know what you’re doing with your own life, but boy do you sure know how to solve other people’s problems. You also probably give the best relationship advice having never been in one yourself. How do you do it?
11. You express your love in all forms.
Have you eaten? Are you hungry? Are you cold? Are you doing well? Are you feeling ok? Do you want some of my sweet potato fries? Text me when you get home. Don’t worry, you’re doing well. I’m proud of you. I love you. Here is my last sweet potato fry.
12. You’re not updated on the latest sayings.
Okay, you know “swag” is done and over, but what about all these new sayings and acronyms? Gmfu, jfc, wtheck? Someone said their cousin wasn’t coming out because he got “cuffed.” They laughed when I thought he got arrested. It’s too much to keep with.
13. You l o v e big sweaters.
Fuzzy sweaters, Old Navy sweaters, ugly 80s sweaters, Christmas sweaters, old goodwill sweaters that are two sizes too big, every Mom-Friend has a closet full of this cozy clothing item. Plus, it’s the best thing to cuddle in. Which brings me to…
14. Your cuddles are bomb.
Let’s face it. Cuddles are important. You know this, your friends know this, and sometimes you just gotta cuddle. Mom-Friends know how important this is for bonding and reducing anxiety, as the brain releases oxytocin which promotes attachment, trust, and easing stress, according to a study in LifeScience.
15. You’re either very organized or not organized at all.
Same goes for always being early or always being late. Some moms are just more punctual and put together than others.
16. If your friends get hurt, you’re ready to kill.
This is more than the usual, “if you hurt my best friend, I hurt you.” Seeing someone you love harmed mentally or physically brings out the mama bear in you, and God help anyone who’s about catch these claws.
17. You have mad respect for you parents.
Being Mom-Friend is hard work, but can you imagine actually being a parent? That’s why you have so much respect for your own parents and your friends’. It really is the hardest job in the world.
18. You might be a little too invested in your friends’ lives.
Listen, I know we love our friends, but having to know everything about where they are all the time is what they go to college to get away from. It’s good to ask them how their day was, but if you expect a 2 page story about their feelings on a guy they met three weeks ago, you may need to chill out.
19. You just really, really love your friends.
This is why we do what we do. We don’t know what it is, but some higher power maternal instinct comes over you and makes you love your friends like your own, because they are your own. Friends are the family you pick, and you can’t believe you’re the Friend Matriarch of this amazing friend family. Feel the love!
This position is of the highest honor in any circle of friends. You know you’ll be well loved and always looked to for your wise words and great advice, but just don’t smother your friends with all your motherly affection, because that’s totally not a cool-mom thing to do. And you’re a cool mom. The coolest.