There are times when being single feels like the worst curse ever. Having been single for quite some time, I can attest to this. Oftentimes, dating is a constant stream of failures or completely nonexistent. This, of course, leaves single people open to dating advice from others. Friends, family, and even the media give out tons of advice to try helping single people find their match. We, as a society, buy into this advice because it seems reasonable and simultaneously makes us feel a little better about ourselves. There’s just one problem: Most of the common pieces of dating advice are truly awful if not completely unrealistic. Now, before I am labeled the biggest cynic ever, allow me to at least examine some common pieces of dating advice to prove why they are truly awful.
“Just be yourself.”
On the surface, this sounds really nice and super easy. You don’t have to change a thing! Just be yourself and everything will sort itself out. Here’s the problem: no one can just be himself/herself when trying to date or find a match. We all have little quirks and eccentricities that make us seem a little crazy. Any person with all their marbles tries to hide this on a first date. We can’t help it. Everyone wants to look and sound better than they actually are to try to make a good first impression. Girls will put a little extra time into their hair and make-up. Guys will make sure to shave and put on that nice-smelling cologne. Even what you say is somewhat filtered. We tend to tell stories and make conversation that makes us seem cool and interesting. I don’t go on dates and tell girls I spend the bulk of my time playing Xbox, drinking beer, watching shows on Netflix, and reading Game of Thrones. I focus on things that make me seem interesting by telling stories of interesting trips I’ve taken or crazy stories that have happened to me. Do these stories represent my everyday life? Certainly not, but you have to have the façade to maintain any level of interest regardless of whether you’re a guy or girl. I’m not saying single people should lie to get in a relationship. I’m simply saying it is unrealistic to “just be yourself” and expect to be in a relationship. We have to, at least initially, be perhaps a better version of ourselves to get a relationship.
“Someone will come along soon.”
Do people expect others to believe this? To me, this implies that your perfect match will just magically fall out of the sky and profess his/her undying love for your. So all you have to do is just sit around and wait. As a person who is very solution focused when solving problems, sitting around and waiting is not an effective solution to finding a relationship. Relationships don’t magically happen regardless of what Hollywood wants us to believe. They take time and energy. A good relationship is something that is built up over time and cultivated between two people. You can’t just wave a magic wand and have a perfect relationship happen. If you want to stop being single, you have to actually talk to people! Shocking, I know – but it’s the truth. You could argue that sometimes you just end up talking to the right person and a relationship sprouts from there. I get that, but it will never happen if you’re just sitting on your couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s watching The Bachelorette. You have to take some initiative to find a match for yourself rather than simply depending upon fate or luck. Fate is something you make through your actions. You can’t just wait for someone to come along.
“Put yourself out there.”
I hate this purely because this piece of advice implies that you aren’t currently trying hard enough to find a match and it’s not helpful. I get the gist of it; that you should talk to people and try new things. I even recommend it myself. The problem is that the advice is not constructive. Perhaps you are putting yourself out there, but you’re not doing it in the right setting. A lot of college students, including myself for a time, believe that going to bars, frat houses, and house parties are where you can find a relationship. The sad reality is that the best you can hope for at these parties is a drunken hook-up. The sex probably won’t be that great and you’ll ultimately end up alone once again watching Netflix. Instead of just putting yourself out there, it might be a good idea to think about what situations would be the most conducive to finding a potential match. I tend to look in places in which it is easy to engage in conversation and I have a shared interest with the person I’m talking to. So clubs, classes, labs, and other social events that do not involve deafening music and binge drinking will probably work better if you are really serious about finding a relationship. Hey, what do you know? I just gave some practical advice!
“Just be confident.”
We would all love to be confident, but sometimes it isn’t that easy. First of all, confidence comes from success. If you’ve been having very little success when it comes to dating, you aren’t going to feel very confident. Additionally, repeated failures often make us turn inwards find flaws within ourselves, thus making us less confident. It’s a vicious circle. So it’s difficult for a person going through this to just wake up one morning and say, “Oh my! I am feeling quite confident today. I think I shall go find a mate.” (This is funnier if read in a British accent) Instead, you end up going through your day feeling self-conscious and convincing yourself that everyone sees you as this troll lurking around. So what’s a realistic way to remedy this? That answer is a bit tricky. Some people are naturally more confident than others. Others get stuck in a rut and their confidence can get pretty shot after multiple failures. If you’re one of those whose confidence has been shaken, there are ways to proactively change that. Doing things like buying new shoes or a new outfit can make you feel more confident. You could also try going through an intense workout. Strenuous activity makes you sweat out all the toxins in your body and releases natural endorphins that make you feel better. Doing this will make you both look and feel better. If running or shopping aren’t your thing, you could also gather friends around you. Good friends make you feel good about yourself and are enabling enough to make you go up and talk to people. They can also act as a “wingman” of sorts and help you out if you’re floundering a bit in a conversation. Ultimately, it’s hard to “just be confident” but there are ways to feel more confident.
There are helpful pieces of dating advice out there, but the ones above are not helpful in the least. Sadly, these pointless little nuggets of “wisdom” will keep being dished out to single people. That being said, don’t be that friend who says these things to your single friends thinking it will help them, because it really won’t. Also, they’re probably sick of hearing it at this point.
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