Why You Should NOT Use Sex as a Weapon or a Reward

Girl 1: He got drunk and was being obnoxious.
Girl 2: He forgot our 6 month anniversary.
Girl 3: He got all annoyed when he saw Kevin called me.
Girls 1, 2, and 3: So, I wouldn’t have sex with him for (fill in amount of time appropriate for punishment).
 

     We’ve all heard women say this: our friends, roommates, sisters, or maybe ourselves. A majority of us have probably stuck to our words at least some of the times, temporarily withholding sex from our partners. Why? To prove a point. To punish them. To teach them that there are consequences for behaving in a certain way. That consequence? No sex. The one power we have over them, right?! They always want it and we have the power to decide if they deserve it.
 
     Ok. Stop. If you think you are all empowered by withholding sex from your man or woman simply to prove a point that you feel can’t be made in any other way, please reconsider. I find this resort to be quite the contrary of empowering and fear that you are rather setting yourself up for much bigger problems than no sex for a week.
 
     By using sex as a reward (or the lack of sex as punishment), you are reiterating stereotypes of women and, not only disempowering yourself but women in general by dwindling your own value in the relationship. Unless, that is, you have equated your own value in the relationship to be similar to that of a biscuit given to a puppy. It reiterates stereotypes of women by acting on the belief that the only power we really have with men is sex. “Sex has all kinds of utilities—it always has,” says Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington and the author of a number of books on sex. “People use what they’ve got, and sometimes yes, women too use sexuality as a tool.”
 
     There’s nothing you can do or say to solve the problem or disagreement that the two of you have. Well, nothing except stopping all the sex. It’s a cheap and quick way out but you’ll end up right back here again and wonder why. It is because you are disregarding the fact that you are a whole lot more than a good time in the sack. Your late night rendezvouses should not be the main reason why your man (or woman) treats you right. If you feel like that is the only way you can get him or her to listen and respect your wishes (by withholding sex), you should think about what that means.
*Please note this is VERY different from genuinely not wanting to have sex. I am in no way suggesting that you should engage in any physical activity that you do not FULLY want to, regardless of your history or relationship with the person.
 
     You should be able to talk to your man/hookup/girlfriend/friend-with-benefits/whatever and tell them what is bothering you, how their actions and words make your feel, and how it is affecting your relationship. He should be motivated by his desire to see you happy and be willing to consider your perspective and ultimately make any reasonable changes. Plus, he may not even realize what it is that he is doing that is making you upset. Being grouchy, rolling your eyes, making smart remarks, and withholding sex all in a naïve attempt that he will “figure it out and change” will likely just leave you sexless with a confused boyfriend (or girlfriend).  These attempts to convey your upset feelings could easily be misinterpreted, potentially just distancing the two of you more. Not what you or him likely intended.
 
     It also plays on the belief that sex to women is just a chore. Sure, it is one of our favorites (definitely beats out washing the dishes) but it’s a chore all the same; something we feel we have to do to please our man… but only when he behaves well. With this attitude, we have to take some accountability for the way society continues to portray the idea that sex is for pleasure of men. Think about the last magazine articles you read or commercials you watched. All geared towards how to please your man? What about you? Breaking news… We actually like sex… No, actually we love it when it is with the right person and done the right way. (And the right way for each of us is different, boys. I know you’re checking this out.) However, when you act like it is no big deal to you whether you have sex or not, you just fuel that belief more: Sex is for the pleasure of men. We could easily go without it. It’s just whatever… 
 
 
There is nothing wrong with getting angry. There is nothing wrong with not having sex either. I just don’t think it is the healthiest decision for any relationship to use sex as a weapon or reward: a means of obtaining power and getting the ball in your court. If that is what your goals have become in your relationship, to force him or her to listen or do something you want through coercion, you might want to take a step back and reevaluate how you both winded up there. That sounds like a stressful, brutal battle more than a fun, loving relationship.
 
     If you’re pissed, have some angry sex or don’t. I really don’t care either way. But make your decision based on what you honestly want and forget about the war tactics (the mind games, the power struggles, etc). Buss, an evolutionary psychologist, says, “One of the things we realized early on was that there’s this huge gap in the field of study in that we thought women’s sexual motivations were sort of intuitive and understood. But what shocked me was the sheer complexity of women’s psychology.” Complex, definitely. There’s no changing that. However, we can make our own individual lives a bit less complicated by simply being upfront. You always have the right to decide what you want in your relationship! However, it is in your best interest to communicate about the real problems and come to solutions based off of your mutual respect for each other, NOT based off the desire to hurry up and do it already.
 
Quotes taken from a 2009 article by Jessica Bennet of the Daily Beast taken from Newsweek.