Here you have it, my fellow Panthers: the top ten nerdiest pick-up lines, as told by a sarcastic loner:
10. “You give me premature ventricular contractions.” In more easily understood words? You make my heart skip a beat…which is dangerous, I’d really go see a doctor if I were you.
9. “Whenever I’m around you, I undergo anaerobic respiration.” I think this one is obvious. What’s that? No, it’s not? Well, it’s just a geekier way of telling your love interest that they take your breath away.
8. “You’re so cute, you make my zygomatic muscles contract.” You make me smile…well, not me, personally. I’m far too emotionally detached for that, but someone else? Sure.
7. “Are you my appendix? I don’t understand how you work, but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.” Complicated, anatomically inaccurate, and a little bit awkward? Absolutely. But this line is still a very cute way of telling someone that you not only like them, but you’re also Pre-Med, and will likely be slicing an old dead guy up with a scalpel in several years. The only downside is, what college student taking Organic Chemistry has time for romance?!? I want to meet this fellow slacker.
6. “Dang, boy, are you sleep? ‘Cause if I don’t get enough of you, it ruins my social, emotional, and all-around mental health.” Nothing is hotter than insomnia, and I should know, I’ve got it. Hit me up, ladies and gents…
5. “Are you a carbon sample? ‘Cause I want to date you.” For all current science nerds or future paleontologists, this line is a real panty-dropper. To everyone else? Well, don’t worry about them, they’re too busy having a social life to understand your punny reference.
4. “I wish I were adenine, because then I could be paired with U.” Unless, of course, we’re talking about a DNA strand instead of an RNA one. Because in the former, Adenine pairs with T. And what could that stand for, realistically? Tyrannosaurus Rex? Tailgating? Ohhh, never mind, I got it: Therapy. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to leave some referrals in the comments section below.
3. “I wish I was sine-squared, and you were cosine-squared, because then together, we’d be one.” Fun fact: this is the most common pick-up line at MIT. So, shouldn’t we start using it here at Pitt? Because if it works for exhausted Biomechanics majors, then Swanson is about to become home to the fourth season of “The Bachelor Pad.”
2. “I love you like an unspoken metaphor. That’s why I had to use a simile.” I mean, how else can you tell a hot dude or chick that you want to feign interest in everything they like, just to get them to go to an overpriced restaurant full of middle-aged couples with you? If I’ve learned anything over my past three hours in the dating pool, it’s that the one thing that’ll get someone to like you, other than being a decent person in general, is correcting their grammar.
1. “I would flirt with you, but I’d rather seduce you with my awkwardness.” This is my favorite line, for obvious reasons. Besides, it’s something that will work no matter how well the other person reacts to it. If they like it? Great, you’ve met someone just as cute and nerdy as you. I ship it. And if they don’t, well, you can just laugh it off; there’s still plenty of time to change your entire personality to fit their ideal standards!
At the end of the day, flirting (and life in general) is so much better when you’re a huge nerd. Don’t believe me? Maybe this gif of John Green can convince you: