I was about to leave for work when I got a call from one of my best friends from high school. When I answered, I couldn’t even understand what she was saying because she was crying so much. Her boyfriend of fifteen months had just broken up her. She had just gotten home from studying abroad and she went up to visit him. That day he told her that it was over. She was completely heartbroken and I promised I’d be over after work with pizza and wine. I sat down at her kitchen table, with her mom there as well, and attempted to calm her down.
First, we listened to the story. We were there for her as she processed what had happened to her. Once she wasn’t sobbing anymore, she started to get really pissed and frustrated. This was when I suggested that we make a list of all of the things that bothered her about her ex. Some of the things that were on the list included:
- He’s a cold person
- He’s not a gentleman
- He’s insecure
- We would watch separate TV shows with headphones
- He was embarrassed to show public affection
- He hated cuddling
- He didn’t make time for my friends
- He has no faith
- He can’t compromise
Writing down what specifically annoyed her about their relationship helped her to see how there was a positive side to what happened. Not only did we make the list, but we discussed in depth how each of these things made her feel. She slowly began to realize that this relationship had some problems and, while she loved him, it wasn’t perfect. After we made the list of reasons why he wasn’t good for her, we decided to focus on what she had learned from the experience and what she was looking for from her next relationship:
- He must be financially and emotionally secure (her mom’s suggestion)
- Likes cats
- Loves babies and wants to be a dad
- Someone who has a nice family and respects his mom
- Grateful and affectionate
- Someone who gives attention without you asking
- Someone funny and with a good sense of humor
- Someone who takes me out of my comfort zone and wants to travel
- Someone who doesn’t cage me
- Someone who I can connect with on an emotional level and will express his feelings clearly
- Someone who likes to cuddle
- Someone who’s selfless
- Someone who will love me back and will put me first
This list showed my friend a future and let her begin to heal. She began to realize how this experience would not be easy to get through, but that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
When I called my friend to ask about this article and how she’s doing six months after the breakup, she seemed to be in a pretty good place. While she still sees her ex around campus and it’s still painful, she’s doing her best to move on and grow as a single woman until she’s ready for another relationship. She said that she has looked back on the positive “dream man” list since that night to remind herself of her final goal. She said that cooking, acupuncture, writing in a positive thoughts journal, and spending time with new friends have all been very therapeutic. The biggest thing that she felt she had taken away from the breakup was she had learned how to feel empowered. She is “channeling her pain to make herself feel stronger.” She has also learned that it is important to “sit with a feeling. Suppressing it won’t help because then you don’t properly heal.”
Getting dumped or going through a hard breakup is never easy. But hopefully, if you or someone you know is experiencing this right now, this article will give you some suggestions of how to help. The best thing that I felt I could do is listen and help my friend see how her future is still positive. It may be a cliché, but time is the best medicine. As my friend says, “if you remember to breathe, the feelings will pass, and you will be ok.”