Hello. My name is Kat. And I have big boobs.
Hello. My name is Kat. And I have big boobs.
1. Back and shoulder pain — Nothing feels anywhere near as good as taking my bra off at the end of a long day.
2. Getting crumbs in your cleavage — You can laugh, but this is a genuine problem I experience. Any time I eat Pringles, I can be sure that tiny pieces of salty parabolas will fall and cause me great irritation.
3. Boob sweat — People look at me like I’m insane for putting deodorant between my boobs, but it’s a necessary precaution.
4. Large areolas — Or, as my girlfriend affectionately refers to them, my ‘pancake nipples.’ That sounds hot, am I right?
5. Never finding cute bras in your size — See a cute bra? Maybe it has a fun design, or some really sexy lace? Well, I can tell you now, that’s only available in cups A through C.
6. Never finding bras that aren’t beige in your size — This is just exasperating. I own twelve times as many nude bras as I do interesting ones. And I’m sick of it.
7. Never finding bras in your size on clearance — I shop for bras MAYBE once every two years. The reason? All bras in my size cost the amount of a small pony.
8. Bathing suits don’t fit — Thank god for Target, and their separate top and bottom options. I may fit into a small bikini bottom, but I’ll need an XL for the top.
9. Except the “mom” ones — Yes, you read that right. I have gotten bras from the maternity section of department stores, and I’ll freely admit that.
10. All Halloween costumes and non-tailored dresses are a no-go, as well — Just last month, I tried on a cute Harley Quinn corset; it was fine on my stomach, but once I got to the girls, I couldn’t get my zipper up for the life of me.
11. No one ever really knows what to do with them in the bedroom — I feel like this is true for most women regardless of their chest size, though…
12. Breast reduction surgery costs so goddam much money — I’d have to drain my bank account for it, and then some…on the plus side, I’d probably save a fortune on bras.
13. People always ask if your boobs are fake — This happens to me a lot. And by a lot, I mean: Every. Single. Day.
14. Exercise is a real hassle — I can’t run unless I wear double sports bras. I’m serious. Like, a sports bra…on top of another sports bra. And by the time I’ve taken the effort of dressing, I’m too tired to actually go to the gym.
15. You just can’t go braless OR flaunt side-boob — And it’s pure hell.
16. Worrying about getting pregnant — Most people would be excited for their boobs to get bigger while pregnant. Not me. I’m actually quite terrified.
17. Every outfit you wear becomes more sexualized — Every single tank top, low-cut tee, v-neck shirt, etc. you put on turns sexy, just do to the cleavage you’re naturally supporting. If you’re on a date, this is a gift. At a funeral, though? A definite curse.
18. Gap city whilst wearing button-up shirts — The Pacific Ocean could fit in the space between buttons I always get whilst wearing flannels or collared shirts.
19. Seat belts are ALMOST more trouble than they’re worth — I SAID ALMOST, PUT YOUR BUCKLE BACK IN RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOUNG MAN!!!
20. You always look like you’re wearing a push-up bra — And no matter how many times you insist otherwise, your friends will always secretly believe you’re lying to them.
21. It’s not unusual to cry in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room — I’ve personally wept several times, and I know other full-chested girls who have done the same.
22. Hugging people (especially fellow big-breastians) is awkward — See gif below.
23. Built-in crop tops? As if.
24. The dreaded QUADRABOOB — Tight dresses are the Devil’s work.
25. Whereas sports bras create the UNIBOOB — You know it, you hate it.
26. You cannot go braless in public, even with a sweatshirt — And believe me, I’ve tried. But the embarrassed look upon the Chinese delivery boy’s face will quickly make you regret all past life decisions, especially when you look down and see your pancake nipples on high alert.
27.Your boobs will smother you if you lie down on your stomach — They’d choke you out in your sleep if you let them.
28. You will constantly have to tell every guy that hits on you that, “my eyes are up here.” — Unless, of course, your eyes are on your boobs already. In which case, see a doctor.
With all the problems us large-mammaried women go through on a daily basis, it’s at least comforting to know there are some positives, too.
1. So. Many. Boob. Jokes. — Wanna hear a funny joke right now? Once, I met a girl with twelve nipples…seems pretty crazy, dozen tit?
2. You always have a place to store mints or extra food — Or, like, a gun, for a more extreme example.
3. Your SO will find it endlessly amusing to go up to you, smile, and dump quarters into your ‘coinslot.’ — Which means that in fifty years, you’ll be rich.
4. Your children will be well-fed…As will every other child in the village.
5. No one will ever mistake you for a boy — After you go through puberty, that is.