Congrats Birthday Babe, you made it. After months of watching your 21 year old friends gallivant through the bars of South Oakland and begging them to buy you alcohol, you are finally entering the realm of bar life. You can hear the golden trumpets of legality sounding triumphantly. You can picture the bouncer, previously an unknowable holy being, swiping your I.D. like an old friend. You can taste the sweet nectar of your first drink at Hem’s… or is it Peter’s? Or should it be Garage Door??!? Suddenly the possibilities are swarming your brain and you start to panic—how will you be sure that your 21st will be the best birthday yet?
Fear not, my thirsty friend. Consider me your South Oakland Spirit Guide and let me offer a few suggestions for how to spend your birthday.
First Stop: Peter’s Pub
You know those “horns” that everyone is always talking about? This is the spot to get them. Once the clock chimes midnight, gather your herd and head here. Ask for the horns at the bar and wear them proudly. Sure, you might get some eye rolls, but you’ll get many more people wishing you a happy birthday as you stumble down the street—and many more people buying you free drinks!
What to drink: Panther Bomb. It’s a blue and gold concoction with Red Bull in it to fuel the rest of your evening activities.
Second Stop: Garage Door Saloon
At this point you may be feeling a little wobbly. G-door has a window into Pizza Romano so have your friend buy you a large buffalo chicken pizza and feast. After all, calories don’t count on your birthday. If you’re lucky enough to have your birthday celebrations on a Tuesday night, do like I did and get a handsome stranger to serenade you with a birthday song.
What to drink: Pudding Shot. They’re delectable and are the perfect desert after 12 slices of pizza.
Third Stop: Gene’s Place
I know you’ve always wondered what it looks like on the inside. If Gene is working, he may just buy you a drink for your birthday. It’s small and hipster and a fun stop.
What to drink: Cheap beer. 22 oz beers are super cheap and will make you better at darts. Science.
Last Stop: Bootlegger’s
Honestly, if you’ve made it this far, I’m impressed. On my birthday, I didn’t make it past G-Door (although let’s be real, I knew I was cut off when the bartender threatened to throw me out for stealing glassware. Whatever, jokes on her, I found two shot glasses in my pocket when I woke up the next morning). If it’s not a weekend, Boots will probably be dead, but if you want to make the trek and prove your worthiness, go for it.
What to drink: Water. You did well, young grasshopper.
The Next Day
First Stop: Hemingway’s
Hem’s will not let you in on the night of your birthday (with good reason, i.e. me stealing glassware). But nothing beats a hangover the next day like a nice cold beer or a spicy Bloody Mary paired with an enormous plate of fries. Whenever you manage to peel yourself out of bed, rinse off the bad decisions in the shower and make your way to my favorite spot. If the thought of alcohol makes you want to die, skip the drinks. But remember, when it comes to booze, you have to bite the snake that bit you. A pitcher of beer ought to do the trick.
Second Stop: ???
Happy birthday! The world is your oyster! Enjoy drinking legally (and responsibly) and try not to rub it in too much when you talk to your underage friends. They’re like *haughty laugh* too young to understand. Don’t get too excited, though. Once the shiny newness of it all wears off, you’ll realize how much money your spending and wish you still had the willpower to do homework instead of going to karaoke and getting drunk… no? Just me? Oh. Ok, whatever. Happy birthday!