After a year of verbal and physical abuse, I was exhausted and defeated. By the time my boyfriend and I broke up, I had lost just about every friend I had. No one was able to understand what I was going through so I eventually pushed them all away. Here are some phrases that initially inhibited my leaving the relationship:
“I know how you feel.”
No. Even if you have experienced an abusive relationship yourself, it is impossible for you to know what another person is experiencing. The best things you can do are to listen and provide responses that let the other person know that you hear them. When you try to relate to the situation, you make the situation less significant.
“Did you do something to provoke this behavior?”
No. By asking this, you are justifying the behavior of the abuser. If someone makes a rude comment or does something that their partner doesn’t like, there is an appropriate reaction and an inappropriate reaction. Throwing things, hitting someone, calling someone names is never appropriate, no matter what incited the behavior.
“I can’t imagine him/her doing that!”
No. People have different relationships with different individuals. Even if you could not imagine someone’s significant other being abusive because they do not act that way towards you, doesn’t mean that it isn’t happening.
“Can’t you just leave them?”
No. By the time I realized that I was in an abusive relationship, I was unable to leave. I was physically trapped as he tracked my phone, showed up at my house, and participated in the same activities as me. Emotionally, I had pushed away my friends and family so my relationship was practically all that I had.
“If you won’t do something, I will.”
No. One of the most dangerous things that someone can do is to interject in the relationship. Although there is a slim chance that calling the police or reporting to a service could be helpful, without the consent of the person being abused, this could add more fuel to the fire and cause retaliation by the abuser.
“Are you sure you’re not being overly sensitive?”
No. Every time someone asked me this question, I questioned the incidents that occurred between my boyfriend and me. I started to doubt myself and eventually stopped reacting to the abuse. I accepted it and downplayed it even when other friends told me they could see how bad it was.
“It could be worse.”
No. There is no minimum standard for abuse. Even the smallest amounts of toxic behavior should not be treated as less important than they really are.
If you know someone in an abusive relationship, try asking him or her what he or she needs you to do. Open and honest communication is the best way to handle these tricky situations! If you truly feel that the situation is out of control, visit Love Is Respect to learn about other resources.
Here I am, a little over a year removed from my toxic relationship. I have rekindled my friendships and have helped other friends remove themselves from similar situations. It wasn’t easy, but it was possible with the right support and love.
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