I’ll admit it, I am 100% that girl: when my boyfriend and I started dating just under a year ago, I became completely absorbed in my relationship. I was, and still am, completely infatuated with my S.O. and am totally committed to my relationship, but here’s the secret to relationships (& to life): in moderation, everything is okay. That being said, I’m going to explore some patterns I’ve noticed about myself while in my relationship…but I’ll also play devil’s advocate and explain why it’s okay to change parts of yourself to be in a relationship.
1. You always think about when you’ll see them next
I totally get it: you just get home after a date with your S.O. and you’re already thinking about when you’re going to see them next. Been there, done that, still sometimes do that. When I’m bored in class, I often find myself thinking about when I’m going to see my partner next.
But, on the flip side…we spend about half of our waking lives daydreaming, so it makes sense that you spend lots of time thinking about your S.O. And, if you’re in a healthy relationship with someone who loves you as much as you love them, of course you’re going to want to spend lots of time with them. Just remember that time apart is healthy and necessary in a functional relationship, because spending time apart means you have something to talk about once you get together again! Besides, time flies, and you’ll be back together before you know it.
2. You talk about them incessantly
You and a few friends are out to dinner, and every time one of your friends talks, they talk only about their partner. It can get pretty annoying – been there, felt that. You want to hear about your friend’s life, not about their partner. But now, you sometimes wonder whether you’re doing the same.
But, on the flip side…a S.O. is a huge part of your life, so of course you’re going to talk about them a lot! Just make sure you have activities and interests outside of them, and be sure to talk about those other things with friends and family. Let everyone know that, yes, you are in a happy and healthy relationship, but you’re also a #girlboss and have a lot going on in your life outside of your S.O.
3. You’re spending less time with friends
It can be tough for friends once you start dating someone. Whereas before you were always available to grab a drink, get dinner or study together, now you find yourself turning down their offers because you’ve already made plans with your partner. It doesn’t happen every single time, but it happens often enough that you’re left wondering whether you’re spending too much time with your S.O.
But, on the flip side… if your S.O. makes you happy, there is nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with them! If someone gives you emotional fulfillment, makes every experience better and doesn’t expect all of your time, it’s totally healthy to spend a lot of time together. As long as you’re on the same page about how much time you want to spend together, there is nothing wrong with devoting time to each other. Just be sure to spend time doing separate activities as well: you should have a life outside of each other, too.
4. You’ve started using “we” instead of “I”
One way to see if you’re getting sucked into your relationship is noting whether you say “we” or “I”. If your friends are trying to include you in plans but “We’re busy” that night, or you’re discussing a new movie with someone but “We both hated that actress,” it could be a sign that you’ve stopped seeing yourself as your own person and have started to see yourself mostly in reference to your S.O.
But, on the flip side…you should definitely talk about your S.O. in a “we” sense, if the context makes sense! Planning a vacation with your partner that your friends already know about? Go ahead, use “we” without as much prior context when talking about what hotel you picked. In certain situations, it totally makes sense to use “we” (especially, of course, when you are having a conversation about your partner/your plans together), but just remember to see yourself as your own person before thinking about yourself in reference to someone else.
5. You can’t imagine life without them
Sometimes it doesn’t take long for a new friend to become a partner, and then suddenly they become an irreplaceable part of your life. Though you may not have been dating for a very long time, this person quickly becomes an everyday part of your life, and soon you can’t imagine life without them.
But, on the flip side… you think this way about everyone in your life. There are lots of people you can’t currently imagine your life without. Your lifelong friends were once new ones. Every married couple you know were once strangers to each other. So, go ahead: get attached, and love deeply, because you will be doing yourself a disservice by trying to minimize your feelings.