Your Choice

Manhattan, New York
United States

It’s that question almost everyone in college is asked: Are you a virgin? Let’s say you’re not a virgin. Normally, you’re given a grin and a high-five from your friends. The next questions are something along the lines of: “How many bodies? Oh, how was it? Did you guys try this?” Once again, you receive another round of grins and high-fives from your group and you feel a sense of accomplishment. However, say that you are a virgin; the response is quite different. Shocked faces are usually followed by, “Wow, really? Are you saving yourself for marriage? Are you doing this because of your religious beliefs?”

Here I sit as the lone virgin in my college friend group and truth be told, being the inexperienced outsider took me a while to be comfortable with. At first, my friends were confused as to why someone who is as outspoken about sex as I am, could be a virgin. For me, losing my virginity has been a confusing subject. I have gone through periods when I wanted to just do it with whoever was looking to hook-up and other times where I wanted to wait for someone special. With all this being said, my thoughts about sex have continuously changed, even with the current sex culture. To further explain, here is my story:

Being a virgin at 18 was not intentional if I’m being completely honest. I always thought I would have a serious relationship in high school and end up losing it to a boyfriend that I loved. I mean, every high school movie ever told me this and movies never lie, right?  After losing my virginity, it wouldn't be a big deal and I could have sex with whoever I wanted, if it felt right in the moment. However, here I am, a freshman in college and still a virgin. Why didn't it happen for me in high school like I thought? The movies were clearly wrong, let’s get that straight.

There was a period in high school when I felt I was ready to take the plunge. The “virgin” cloud was looming over my shoulders and I felt it following me everywhere I went. My friends talked about how eye-opening their experiences were and I felt left out. I figured I would do it with a close guy friend and, naturally, he agreed as a typical high school boy would. I had the opportunity right in front of me but I couldn't do it with him. Why I couldn't go through with it? I had absolutely no idea why and for the longest time, I felt like an immature idiot. Sex was just sex, right? Was something wrong with me?  Why was I so hesitant to do something so natural? So, if high school was not my time, college would definitely be it. Finally, my virginity could be thrown away and I could engage in something amazing. I heard from numerous friends from different schools about losing their v-cards. Once again, all of them had awakenings and told me that I needed to hop on it as soon as I could. They say college usually begins a person’s sexual path; I guess I wasn't included in that fact.

Why was I so hesitant to do something so natural? It took me a long time to find the answer to my question and when I came to college, I realized what was holding me back. The people who wanted to have sex with me were all people I cared deeply about but didn't love. There are some girls who can detach sex from love or emotion and I give them credit because that’s impressive, empowering and super badass. Baring it all and being vulnerable in front of some random guy is just impossible for me to go through at this point in my life. But, should I feel ashamed for this? I’m just waiting for my right time; for me, it will be when I’m with someone I love and have been with for a while. For me, it was not a choice, it was more listening to my body and figuring out what was best. Some wait for marriage or for religious reasons and that is just as acceptable as having as much sex with as many partners as you want. It is all a personal choice and that should never be judged by anyone else. Whether a virgin or not, we are all on our own sexual journeys and we all begin our journeys in our own time, whenever we want to start.