Disclaimer: Jackie Sung does not endorse any action present on her master list and this is completely satirical. She will not be held liable for any of these ideas going horribly (however, if they go over well, she claims all the credit).
“What are you doing on Valentine’s Day?” is a question I get asked year after year for my answer to remain “nothing” every time. To celebrate love and relationships sounds like my own personal hell and I would rather choke on a sweetheart than be openly embarrassing like that. However, I have created a master list of things to do if you are all alone and you are secretly bitter about it.
Here’s what I recommend doing:
- Self-induced comatose
If you have mastered the art of sleep, I would tell you not to bother waking up on February 14th. There is nothing you will be missing, and you might as well spare yourself of the mind-numbing emptiness you would probably feel otherwise!
- Ruin the lives of those around you
Unfortunately, most people can’t keep themselves asleep for over 24 hours so here’s plan B. Movie theaters across the world are showing rom-coms or other romantic movies on Valentine’s Day, and lovesick couples will be watching these sickening movies. But unknown to them, you’re going to be there too. When everyone settles in and the movie starts, be ready to cause a ruckus and be incredibly insufferable. This means overreacting to every scene, sobbing loudly, laughing obnoxiously, and COMPLAINING during the whole movie. If you’re feeling particularly bold, phone a friend at the climax of the movie. You’re going to be having a rough day so why not make those around you suffer as well?
- Take a trip
Listen, if you don’t like any of these ideas, here is another one. This is on the pricier side and a little bit more deranged, but it does have the biggest bang out of the three ideas. So, here is the plan: the day before Valentine’s Day, go completely ghost. You can take a trip anywhere but make sure NO ONE knows where you are. Hopefully, your loved ones will file a missing person’s report by the 24th hour and on Valentine’s Day, you’ll officially be a missing person. While you’re gone, no one will be able to relax and spend time with their significant other because all their attention is focused on finding you. When you come back after your trip, everyone will be glad to have you home. This plan is perfect because it makes you the center of attention on Valentine’s Day and you know that even though you don’t have a significant other, at least someone loves you!
If you’re super hardcore: Go missing for an entire year and come back NEXT Valentine’s Day. That way you can ruin 2 Valentine’s Day in a row.
- “I’m too scared to do any of these”
I have some sad news for you. If all these ideas seem intimidating or scary, you should just stay home and cry yourself to sleep while watching The Notebook and eating a tub of ice cream.
To end this on a positive note (and to balance out the cynicism) it’s okay if you aren’t with someone on Valentine’s Day. It is a day to celebrate love, and no one is going to love you like you love you, so why not treat yourself on this holiday created by capitalism?