This is the hardest part of it all; you’re sitting there, drenched in your tears and snot, trying to look as majestic as Beyoncé did in her “Why Don’t You Love Me” music video, yet you look like you’ve just been diagnosed with the measles from crying so hard. This is your post text messages, post-hour-long phone call, and post mental breakdown; this is the aftermath of dealing with your breakup. Breakups in general aren’t easy to handle, everyone knows that. You find your person, they become your world, and one day a belief, action, or consequence can change it all for you both and it f*@!#&% sucks. Sometimes those factors happen in a 24-hour span and sometimes they are premeditated, your opposite party only shares so much during this difficult time which might emotionally kill most of you, if you’re knowledge heavy like me. No binge meal, scenic morning run, or Rihanna album can help you escape this funk, especially if the breakup is still so fresh. I’m still getting over my recent breakup as well as other breakups from the past- not only romantic relationships but also those with friends and relatives. In my eyes, it’s one of the saddest things to watch a beautiful couple do a complete 360 on their relationship and have it flop. It’s even harder to see the acquaintance card come out and both those individuals become strangers to one another. How could two people love each other so much and one day it all stops? How do they go from goodnight phone calls and D.M. boxes full of back-and-forth sent memes to no communication at all- not even a like on an Instagram post? There are so many ways you can cope with this recent loss. You’re probably asking things like “what happened”, “what’s going to happen”, and “how will I turn this negative into a positive,” especially if you’re a newly single college individual like me and it’s perfectly okay to be wondering those things. I’m here to comfort you, empower you, and help you open your eyes to finding new happiness. So let’s exhibit your pain and the situation so that we can begin to move on from it together, Her Campus readers.
The S#!* Beginning Part of It, Welcome to Your Breakup:
Now, before I elaborate further, know that today I can say I’m very happy and proud of my former boyfriend. I want what’s best for him and I truthfully hope he knows that. I know he will accomplish a lot being the intelligent powerhouse he is, and it takes a lot to say that especially when he was the one who broke off our relationship. By the end of this article, you’ll understand why my respect for him still remains strong, post-breakup.
Going into a little bit more of the imagery I was stating in the beginning piece; you’re crying, you just got off the phone with your significant other, they say they can’t do it anymore, they can’t commit to you, it’s all too much. As a couple, you are officially done. You’re crouched down on the toilet now, it’s early morning and your roommates probably woke up due to your obnoxiously loud, screaming cries. There’s no easy way of getting up off the toilet and waltzing back into your room, acting like nothing happened. You just had your heartbroken and your roommates are going to understand regardless of your dramatic sobbing and overly puffy eyes. Now readers, if you’re all good assumers you probably are guessing that the little anecdote above is my own most recent breakup experience. I know you’re thinking “this sounds nothing like mine,” but understand that all breakups have one thing in common; the art of getting over it. How I advise treating the start of, painful situations like this where you feel your weakest; escape the mess by getting ready for your day. You’ll feel better once you wash your face, spruce yourself up, dress nicely, make your bed, take out the trash, grab your coffee, etc. By doing basic chores/tasks, your mind will put this traumatic event on the back burner for a bit and give you the feeling of purpose (something that goes out the door so easily once a loss like this occurs). Getting ready and getting my room together was the first thing I did when I was most recently broken up with, I simply just popped my headphones in, blasted some rap/r&b pop, and got my s#!* together. Let me tell you, it felt really good to get my anger out by being productive. Another way I was able to escape this sudden pain was the fact that I already had made plans a couple of days before my breakup occurred so I was fortunate to have something to do instead of starting another crying session. Continuing on the topic of having plans, your breakup is new, your head is probably making up 1,000+ scenarios right now of what your ex is doing. Escape those troubling thoughts by going out and doing something; MAKE THOSE PLANS. I also HIGHLY suggest you invite your close friends because if they love you and really care about you and your feelings, they won’t have you keep worrying and thinking negative thoughts. I know I’m not a psychologist, relationship therapist, or counselor, but this is how I begin to cope with any of the past s#!* storms I’ve dealt with; keeping myself productive to promote pockets of strength.
Post Day(s) of Breakup:
Hands down the hardest part specifically in my eyes is how you choose to start this new chapter of your life. The day they broke up with you has officially come to an end, you might’ve spent last night forgetting them by simply coming back home and doing the complete opposite; thinking of them. e’re human, we have feelings, it’s natural. Having your mind in another place yesterday after everything went down was the short term self-care everyone needs and loves, but now it’s back to getting on track-you must start your life without them. It’s important to learn how to create a new routine that eliminates those “good morning baby” or “I love you, sweetheart, I’m so proud of you” texts you were so prone to sending. You gotta stop checking their academic schedule to see if it’s a good time to reach out to them and sadly put an end to going through your camera roll and smiling over the pictures you guys took together last weekend. Most importantly, stop wondering what they’re currently doing and how they’re handling this because it’s only going to drive you crazy and you’ll end up hurting yourself more. Before I dive deeper into how to start your new chapter without them, I’ll quickly bring in the story of what had happened between my ex-boyfriend and I. Hopefully shifting your focus away from the other party and working on yourself will help with any recently developed confusion. The reason why my boyfriend ended things with me wasn’t that he cheated or fell for another girl, but because he couldn’t handle the relationship anymore on top of school, friends, extracurriculars, volunteer work, etc. I’m not going to exploit his life and go into details about the s#!* parts of the relationship we shared because honestly, this wasn’t a s#!* relationship at al. I loved him and I still do- he was an amazing boyfriend to me and a great guy in general- but he couldn’t keep doing this and he needed to focus on himself first before he focused on me so I needed to focus on myself too. I had to learn (and I still am, day by day) how to channel the constant love and thoughts I had for him and conduct them on myself and I couldn’t rely on him to hold my hand anymore in situations where I needed comfort and reassurance. He has his own life to worry about and he’s going to party, study, hangout, and hookup/get with girls- all without me. Coming to a realization point about this is where my idea of shifting focus from both parties to one came about; you rely on and center yourself now.
The Art of Letting Go and the Weeks After a Breakup:
I don’t want this part to be about completely cleaning the slate, forgetting who your significant other is and your relationship, but simply the step by step process of officially getting the thought of them out of your head. It might haunt you for a while after your breakup, seeing them hang out with girls and/or dress up for frat parties, acting like nothing happened It might also kill make you sick to your stomach when you see them hanging out with their friends, only 2 blocks away from where you reside. Still, you MUST stay strong- you have to. I remember when I saw my ex posting a picture on his Instagram story of him hanging out with girls around 2-3 weeks after we broke up, I was a big ball of emotions. Yes, it got me really angry and upset- even to the point where I started crying in the middle of a Manhattan crosswalk- but as I said before, your ex is going to do things now without you and some of it might drive you crazy and/or make you cry. When you see that happen, automatically do something to better yourself. What I mean by “better yourself” is to go out there and do something that will further advance you, big or small. When I first saw that IG story, I let it get to me. Later, I ran 2 miles to let my anger out. Running released that pain and prevented me from doing something spiteful.
Now repeat after me, DELETE THOSE PHOTOS! I know it sucks, it f*@!#&% sucks when they delete the pictures of you off of their social media You assume they also took down all the “stuff” in their room that involves you, and I’m sure their friends all know you and them are done so it only seems fair to follow their lead. I was always the one who waited for my past partners to delete the pictures of us together first. It’s hard- you don’t want to erase the memory of them in your life and all the good times- but if you see them moving on, you slowly should try too. I try to do things that help me move on from my former relationship, but I’m not perfect, I still think of my ex and I miss him. I’m always wearing his university’s crewneck he bought me, and I still have a picture of us in my wallet. It takes time to move on, but once you work on it little by little I promise you will feel better.
Seek Closure if You Can:
I don’t want to be that b!#*% but if they’re posting photos with girls or guys, they’ve probably found closure and moved on. Closure takes time to achieve you’re not going to instantly be all fine and dandy.- but if you elaborate the reason you both broke up, a lot will make sense. For example; if the other party cheated on you, seek closure knowing that that toxic individual won’t poison your life anymore. If they lost interest in you, be thankful you aren’t wasting your time/energy anymore on someone not appreciating you. There’s always something to get out of in a relationship, good or bad. In my situation, I am thankful that my ex-boyfriend admitted to what was wrong instead of completely ignoring me and pretending I didn’t exist. Do I wish we broke up? No, but I knew he needed it and I’m happy he stated his faults and that’s where a lot of my respect for him still remains. I’ll find my closure when I can, but I know deep down he means well.
So in Conclusion, the Truth Does Hurt:
If any of you are fans of Lizzo, you’ll hear in her very popular tune, “Truth Hurts,” she states “why men great ’til they gotta be great?” and I know, she states men within the lyrics, but I feel that this doesn’t just go for men, but for any individuals who are causing havoc on the relationship you’re daydreaming about. It’s the wakeup call you need to realize that what you want isn’t what you have. You will find better because you deserve better, and if the person that broke up with you is actually supposed to be your person, time will bring you together again. Sometimes we aren’t meant to be in a relationship, our perfect fairytale might get distorted because it’s a sign we need to enjoy ourselves lonesome and accomplish things independently. I really loved my former boyfriend and hope one day we can maybe start fresh with a healthy friendship because communication for us currently isn’t a thing. If my life doesn’t turn out that way though, I will always admire him and be thankful for some of the things he had said to me, that really opened my eyes and made me see things in myself I didn’t know existed. At the end of the day the truth of this is going to hurt, you’re going to be heartbroken, they’re going to post pictures and move on, and it might end up taking a toll on you mentality, physically, and emotionally- but just remember who you are currently and going to be soon. You’re a strong individual who has made it this far in life and still has so much more to go. You’re going to do big things; you’ll get that internship, you’ll own that job title, you’ll make the dance team, and you’ll meet so many amazing people who will shape you into the powerful character you’re meant to be. I know it’s hard now, but life has a lot in store for you- I promise.