A Sarcastic Single's Guide to Valentine's Day

Location: 
Manhattan, New York
United States
US

Ah yes, the singles dreaded “Valentine’s Day.” The holiday filled with adorable couples spending time telling the entire world how adorable and sweet they are. Of course, there’s more to the holiday than just gushing about love, there’s also overpriced chocolate that on the 15th will suddenly be $1 for 10 and lovely flowers that will also be $5 for 3. It’s the one national holiday where one half of the population despises it and the rest can’t wait for it to come around again.

If you’re single like me, you probably didn’t enjoy Valentine’s Day one bit. So how do you survive next year’s celebration? I offer you a sarcastic single’s guide for survival, most of which are sarcastically tested and approved. Please enjoy.

  1. Get a significant other. I’m serious, a significant other really makes this holiday a million times better. I don’t actually have any proof, but that’s what all my friends in a relationship say. They can’t all be wrong! Then again, at the end of the day, you’ll just be switching to the adorable couple side of things. Maybe the grass is greener over there.

  2. Spend the day with single friends. Buy each other flowers, have a love song dance party in one of your rooms, splurge on overpriced chocolate, write crazy love poems and songs for each other, and all that other couple-y stuff. Sure, you’re still single, but you’ll all be single together. And it beats sitting in your room eating all that chocolate by yourself.

  3. Celebrate the day after Valentine’s Day. It’s honestly half-priced chocolate and flowers. The perfect day to treat yourself! Just be careful, that whole 10 pieces of chocolate for $1 can lead to a stash you hoard in your room for either one day or several months. There’s no normal in-between.

  4. Spend the whole day daydreaming about your fictional significant other. This one has been tested time and time again, and I can say for certain, it works. Pretend that the hot guy from Grey’s Anatomy is bringing you flowers and then rewatch his best episodes. (Is there a hot guy in Grey’s Anatomy? I don’t actually know, I’ve never seen it.) Your favorite book character deserves a new ballad or love poem for sure. Oh and that super cute girl from your favorite movie that you’ve been swooning over for years? She’s totally looking forward to borrowing your sweater when she gets home. Is it realistic? No, probably not. But, it does make the day easier and a little more entertaining.

  5. Surrender to the hype, but do it for yourself. So Valentine’s Day is supposed to be for couples, but plenty of singles manage to have a good time. Surrender to the hype, buy the overpriced chocolate and flowers, listen to the crazy love songs, watch the same 4 romantic comedies. But do it for yourself because hey, Valentine’s Day is technically about love and who said you can’t love yourself? It’s a good way to get in that self-care, even if it’s damaging to your wallet.

Thankfully, Valentine’s Day has passed once again and we are all deemed safe until next year. Just in case, start your survival kits now and begin that hunt for the ever elusive significant other. Or embrace your singleness, freedom and good friends. Then again, you could also redownload Tinder for the 5th time this month or try that new dating app that could lead you to “the one.” Tinder and survival kits it is… Good luck next year!