Unfortunately, in the society we live in, you have to get a job. Most people will have to work a grueling 9-5 and suffer until they can retire. During retirement, we’ll also suffer because we’re old and therefore can’t enjoy life like we do now while we’re still youthful. So, here are some tips on how to get a job that you will probably end up hating, even if you’re doing something you love, because capitalism will drain you of any creativity and the will to live.
- Prepare
It’s important to be ready for any job interview. Whether it’s being a barista at Starbucks or a CFO position at some random company, you should be ready for the types of questions they’ll ask you. You should also know what type of people the company wants and mold yourself into their dream mindless robot!
- Dress appropriately
I would suggest wearing business casual clothing to your first interview. You don’t want to show up in just sweats and a graphic tee that says “dump him.” These are your potential future employers and you should present your best self (Don’t worry, I love your “dump him” shirt.)
- Buy a pet
If you really want to make it in this world, it may be time to look into otherworld methods. Hypothetically, I would tell you to go buy a goat, a book on black magic, several candles, and various antichrist paraphernalia. Again, hypothetically I would tell you to conduct a certain ritual in order to make sure you become extremely wealthy and successful. Again, this is a hypothetical situation, but you should be aware that a specific someone will probably own the rights to your soul. But at least you’ll be soulless and on a yacht. And, don’t forget, you didn’t hear this from me!
- Bring questions
Everyone and their mothers tell you to always ask questions when your interviewer asks. Some questions I would personally ask are: What does the typical work day look like? What are the expectations the company has for me? Are they unmeetable like my mother’s? Where do you see the company in five years? Will you guys exploit me for my labor and most likely pay me wages that make it impossible to make rent every month? How do they evaluate performance here? What does the training process look like?
My final words of advice are: People will perceive however they want and you should just manifest that you’ll get whatever job you interview for.