In November I turned 19, a seemingly miniscule year that I had no idea that it would be so influential in my life. I mean being 19 is kind of a big deal. I’m two years away from legally being able to drink, I’m half way through college and it’s my last year of being a teenager. This is an inbetween stage of my life I am beginning to feel more and more small.
When I turned 18 I felt powerful, I was granted the right to vote, buy cigarettes, live on my own or go into a sex toy shop (mom don’t worry I haven’t really gone it’s a hypothetical.) At 18 I was given this newfound strength and confidence and now only a year late I have started to feel extremely vulnerable.
All my life I have been grappling with the idea that I must succeed and do so immediately. I mean at 19 many people accomplished incredible things! At my age Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook, Joan of Arc was being burned at the stake and Lorde wrote her incredible album Melodrama.
The only thing I can really say I accomplished was that I took my senior portraits at my local Taco Bell.
Photo taken by Kelly Catarino
From such a young age I put this massive amount of stress on myself to be someone as accomplished as Mark Zuckerberg. On top of that, I wanted to do it all before I had to start paying my own taxes.
The only thing I think I have in common with the people I listed is that I’m beginning to burn myself out, and not in a saintly way like Joan. Yes, I am older and have more responsibilities which have made me more mature, but feel like I’ve spent my whole life wanting to grow up.
Now I’m at the crux of total adulthood, I’m realizing that I spent entirely too much time wanting to be grown that I forgot how great my youth is. I’m still a teenager but I’m at my final moments as one. What I’ve learned from 19 so far is that I get to mess up, fall down and lean on others for support when I need it. Like the wise singer Lorde once said “I’m 19 and I’m on fire.” I just hope I don’t end up like Joan.