Spoken at Oxford

Life stands still on a small campus. On a relatively rural campus of roughly 900, what stories can be told? Everything is just a routine.

Think again. Most people believe that in order to have the kind of crazy experiences that Kramer and George had in Seinfeld or that Ted and Barney had in How I Met Your Mother, one has to be thrust in a big city like New York where everything seems constantly dynamic. While some may get bogged down at the appearances of a somewhat slow life outside of a city, these are only appearances. The ruby brick may stay the same, but things are continuously changing below the surface. However, it is a small campus like Oxford where the most amount of memories are created. It is because of our small campus that makes us be able to learn and appreciate every detail in one another. With less distraction to glittering, towering billboards of what the next beauty standard is and less of a mixture of honking cars against muffled voices, we are able to focus on one another.

It is a place like Oxford where we can listen. And listen, we do.

Members of our chapter have gathered an assortment of comments heard around campus, both exchanged among friends and also those heard in passing. Perhaps this would make one think twice before they say, “Nothing happens in Oxford.” The names of the original speakers have been removed for privacy purposes. Here are the gathered quotations:

1) "Is that a c h e e s e c a k e?"

2) “The more you know, the more you shit bricks.”

3) “I’ll deal with getting peed on.”

4) “He probably eats spoonfuls of Paprika to wind down before he goes to sleep.”

5) “I wasn’t finished with that PSL! I wanted more of the melting ice.”

6) “I wouldn’t touch my butt.”

7) “In the words of Drake, ‘I’m upset.’”

8) “I promise you, it’s ok eating by yourself!”

9) “Every time I see you, I feel like I have to locate the nearest fire exit because I know things are going to go down!”

10) “The more I travel, the more I realize what a fine establishment Chick Fil-A is.”

11) “Her eyebrows look like the Hollister logo.”

12) “I really don’t wanna’ pee in the frat, but I think I have to.”

13) “They’re not having a party tonight because they’re playing with magnets.”

14) “There is something about talking to the other gender that bothers me.”

15) “I’m pretty sure that guy at the shoe shop had a foot fetish. He was way too into helping me find a pair of shoes.”

16) “He may be a murderer, but man, what a smile!”

17) “If you meet him at Walmart, he’s not the one!”

18) “Have you met the foreign exchange student? The one from Long Island?”

19) “How do you know if you have a good sense if you’re the one telling yourself that you have a good sense?”

20) “It’s your life, but you’re gonna’ get mono!”

21) “You’re ‘Shrekualizing’ it!”

22) “Mistakes were made.”

23) “She’s giving him 50 grades of shade.”

24) “Pain – it’s an easy emotion to feel.”

25) “This is one sexed up man.”

26) “I will never be able to look at cottage cheese the same way again.”

27) “We’re close enough friends to get mono.”

28) “Even my mole knows better than you!”

29) “I bought you creamer, bitch.”

30) “If you’re on a topless beach and you have manboobs, you shouldn’t wear a speedo because it’s very confusing.”

31) “They smelled like B.O. and they weren’t even productive.”

32) “He can’t eat ribs with his hands because he has to code and keep his hands clean.”

33) “I don’t have time for bullshit! I only have time for linear algebra!”

34) “No one gives an F about plants!”

35) “The ocean is too watery.”

36) “Remember that one time I took out the trash?”

37) “The pinnacle of happiness is flushing your toilet with spa water.”

38) “If I were a math equation, I would be an integral, because at first I look like a challenge, but once you get to know me, you really love me.”

39) “They took his only good towel!”

40) “I have a fire.”

41) “Cursing is what college is about!”

42) “Un-fun Coconut Head – that’s the worst thing you can call someone!”

43) “He is the result of his parents trying to divide by zero.”

44) “Everybody smells bad at some point.”

45) “I left an apartment for roaches.”

46) “How is a sushi restaurant more highly rated than Disney World? That’s like the happiest place on Earth.”

47) “Why don’t you just drop me by the side of the road because even the guardrails have more heart than you?”

48) “Even the light is throwing shade at us!”

49) “They took it out of context!”

50) “Bruno Mars is part jalapeño.”

51) “I don’t think they started this truck to be cruel to people, I just think they wanted to sell food and just happened to be bad people.”

52) “Wow, you really let your face go.”

53) “A moisturizer will save you.”

54) “You can’t play Nerf in a dress!”