The jolly, cookie-bellied (or beer-bellied because maybe he drinks beer to stay warm in the North Pole) gifter is known to us all and yet perhaps is not known at all. Our parents told us he was fake (spoiler alert for any of you readers that have not had the face-to-face talk about this yet), but the parents only say this to get kids to stop asking questions, afraid that one day one kid may find out the truth as to who Santa really is…I present you with a lineup of Santas to identify who Santa really is.
Santa 1: Santa is a pimp and the elves are his jolly little helpers he sends off into the night to get him enough money to buy the presents or resources to make the presents for all the boys and girls…so appreciate the gifts you get this year—the elves sacrificed a lot for that!
Santa 2: Santa is a drug-addict, who lives in piles of what looks like snow, but is actually cocaine. He has elves sell some of his stash so that he can afford the gifts for the little girls and boys of the world. But any elf that is discovered by Santa to have sold to a child (and it’s hard to escape his sight given he sees you when you’re asleep and awake…) is turned into an elf on the shelf, forevermore destined to live out eternity on a shelf.
Santa 3: Santa is the owner of a sweatshop hidden in the vast whiteness of the North Pole. He makes the elves work day and night to get the gifts made and parents sign their names on a list to show who is celebrating Christmas that year because they must all give Santa money, so he can afford the resources the elves need to make the gifts.
Santa 4: Santa is a robber. To o’ so accurately parody the famous Bed Intruder song… He’s climbin’ in your chimneys, snatching your cookies up, so hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your mother cuz Santa’s snatchin’ everybody out there
The listed identities above are more of an effort to theorize how he affords all of those presents, but perhaps it is best to leave the search of Santa be and that old adage, ignorance is bliss, really is true because who wants Santa to be any of the identities above?