White dress, black tux, roses (red of course), champagne, floating candles, three-tier cake, heart-felt speeches and tin cans trailing from cars that read “Just Married.”
It is a common saying that every girl dreams of her wedding day. But with a generation putting off marriage to first establish their own lives and relationships trending toward the casual, is this even still the case?
While no single person can answer this question, young committers have shared their experience on settling down early in a generation of self-indulgent go-getters.
Megan Haynes, 23, is a student at OswegoState, working toward her master’s degree. During her first few years in college and shortly after, she was in a five year relationship; she was eventually engaged to be married.
“I think a lot of people who say ‘oh I’m gonna be here in five years,’ they kind of live in a fantasy world because nothing ever goes to plan,” Megan says. “The truth is that reality sets in.”
Reality set in when the couple realized their career goals just didn’t match up. After several discussions, neither could compromise or give up any more and they decided to split.
“We knew each other well enough but we didn’t know ourselves well enough,” Megan says. “I don’t think that makes us bad people, it makes us honest people. We were honest with each other so we could be honest with ourselves.”
On the issue of casual relationships, Megan says they’re a good idea, especially for women. Women today have options women decades ago only dreamed of; it is good for everyone to explore their options and get to know themselves.
The most important advice Megan would give is that you shouldn’t change your plans for someone else.
“I didn’t regret it at the time, but I realize now it wasn’t in my best interest to always put his best interest first,” Megan says.
Commitment can get even tougher when it’s a long distance situation or while in college.
“When you’re in a relationship that’s long distance, it’s kind of out of respect for the other person that you don’t get to experience a lot of college life,” Megan says.
Ted Lehmann, 24, is currently married, attending OswegoState, and agrees that college and committed relationships can be a volatile mix.
“Being in class with kids my age, it’s just horrible,” Ted says. “In multiple ways, I’m jealous of them: I wish I had that college experience and that time of freedom, but at the same time its like I can’t be that, I wouldn’t be happy there anymore.”
He met his wife freshman year and they started dating when he was a sophomore. Since then, they have broken up three times, due mostly to differences in lifestyle and distance. Eventually, they wound up in the same place with the same aspirations.
“We just became best friends, really,” Ted says, smiling. “It just made a lot of sense and it still makes a lot of sense.”
Even though it worked out for him, he doesn’t recommend marriage at a young age. He admits it’s a tough transition.
“I think about what it was like before I got married and I’d wake up in the morning and think ‘how am I going to get laid today’,” Ted says. “Now I wake up and I’m like how am I going to get more counter space in my kitchen?’ These are the thoughts you have when you’re married.”
His advice? Don’t rush or force anything you’re not ready for. More than likely, if you should be together it will work out. Also, a test run in the form of living together is helpful. There are a lot of things you may not be prepared for otherwise.
Dawn Shifferle, 22, lives with her boyfriend of three years. She wasn’t prepared for the lack of alone time or seeing the same friends. Even with these unexpected issues, she advocates living together before marriage too.
“You know you can live with him before you have to,” Dawn says. “You don’t want to marry someone then find out you can’t stand sharing a bathroom with him. Putting the toilet seat down can get pretty old.”
When faced with the trend of casual dating, Dawn says commitment is right for her. It seems like a lot of people just want to “mess around,” but in a real relationship there is more to figure out about the person you’re with. Knowing someone that deeply is rewarding, she says.
“If you think it’s right and want it, you’ve got to commit and work through the tough times,” Dawn says.
Ben Peters, 23, has been in a relationship for seven months and will live with his girlfriend starting next month. He agrees that there will be some bumps in the road, but the rough times are an important test for a relationship.
Being kind, opening up and communicating are a few important ways to make it through, he says. Patience is the one he stressed the most.
“Put a star beside patience, maybe two or three stars,” Ben says.
This relationship has been a learning process, his longest and most serious relationship yet.
“Having someone that you care for, that cares for you is new, but it’s really nice,” Ben says.
A common theme to every relationship is sacrifice. Each of the committers weighed in on the biggest sacrifice. Megan said not getting to fully experience college was her biggest sacrifice. Dawn sites free time as a big sacrifice in her relationship, and Ben loses out on time with friends.
“The biggest sacrifice is getting used to sacrifices,” Ted says. “It’s wanting to give into each other, that’s definitely the biggest adjustment.”
For those with a fear of commitment, dating, or just plain sacrificing, don’t worry. While each of the couples has a different experience and each individual a different point of view, one thing they can all agree on is if it’s right, it’s right and you will certainly know. At that point the question turns from “how can I make the commitment?” to “how could I not?”