The University Letter Sent to Our Overbearing Parents

To whom it may concern,

We have recently received your notice of concern over your child’s academic performance this semester. The matter has been investigated and we are able to offer some insight into the situation.

First of all, your child seems to be incredibly distracted by their social life. They are frequently seen spending time with friends when they are expected to be studying alone. If they continue to balance a social life with academics, their grades can be negatively impacted. Our university encourages students to spend ten hours studying for every one hour spent socializing. Unfortunately, it is impossible to mandate this suggestion. We suggest that your child is relocated to a single dorm on campus in order to minimize socialization and recreation. We only want what is best for your child.

Second, your child is sleeping an average of five hours per night. We understand this amount of sleep is excessive relative to our university-wide average of four hours per night. Spending time sleeping instead of studying is one of the best indicators of poor academic performance. We suggest they increase their daily caffeine intake, as this can extend the time they remain conscious. If they ingest below 400 mg in a 24-hour period daily, it probably won’t cause premature heart complications. Be reminded, we only want what is best for your child.

Last, we have noticed that your child has a lack of aptitude for their major studies. If they are to meet your expectations of becoming a neurosurgeon, then a higher level of effort must be given on their part. If you decide they should no longer be a neurosurgeon, try forcing them into one of our other majors such as petroleum engineering, molecular biology, or international business. All of these programs hold nationally recognized accreditation and will surely lead your child to a successful career. We cannot stress enough that we only want what is best for your child.

Here are a few tips we can offer on how to effectively pressure your child into better academic performance:

  • Daily phone calls will lessen concerns of oversocialization.

  • Accessing your child’s student accounts will give you the ability to monitor grades 24/7.

  • Comparing your child to a successful older sibling will remind them of the benefits earned with hard work, lack of sleep, and self-repression.

  • The Find My iPhone app can let you know where your child is going when they are not in the library.

Please do not hesitate to reach out if the problem ensues.

Thank you,

Imaginary University