An Open Letter to My Ex -- Four Months Healed

Hi, stranger.

It’s crazy how I have years and years of material to pull from and I can’t find anywhere to start.  Maybe we didn’t end on the best terms, but knowing us it could’ve been much worse. I guess firstly I’d like to let you know that I’m doing better than ever, but I do think about you more than I would like to admit.  I’m not trying to hurt you nor am I writing this to stoke the fire, but rather to gain some more closure and clarity, both for you and within my own mind.

I do worry about you and wonder about you and get angry over the little things we’ve put each other through, but mostly I just look back and smile.  I can’t lie, sometimes I find myself sharing stories of our crazy, ridiculous, out-of-control arguments and advising my friends to avoid situations like ours at all costs; but still, when I’m alone I think of our memories in a positive light.  I always preface the negative stories with the explanation that neither of us is bad people, but we were certainly toxic for each other. I make sure everyone knows that we had a damn good time together and that we were truly the best of friends, but unfortunately we did not make the best team.  Also, I wanna add that when I look back at all of my archived Instagram posts I only smile. I don’t cry nor does my mind wander to the sad memories that weren’t photographed. For some reason, this brings me peace. It’s almost like validation that I truly have forgiven you and myself, and that I can be wiser and completely mature moving on.

On another note, I don’t want you to assume that I don’t miss you, because I do.  And please don’t assume I try to hide the fact that we were together for so long for a good reason.  I have told my friends several times that I don’t think I will ever find someone with a sense of humor so compatible with mine as yours.  It makes me sad, but ultimately no amount of rocking back and forth, ab-crushing, teary-eyed laughter can make up for the other inconsistencies we struggled with.  I miss laughing and gossiping with you more than you know and I wish I could keep you around forever as a best friend, but at this point I know we can never reach that level.  

 

I genuinely believe that neither of us is at fault for our breakup.  I think we were very young when we got involved and therefore we were unprepared for the intense feelings that would occur.  We are both too stubborn for our own good and struggle immensely with keeping our cool and forgiving.

I have come to realize that I just genuinely do not like who I am with you.  You bring out the batshit crazy in me and make me do and say things I don’t feel right about.  And again, it’s not who you are, it’s who we are together. We let things get too intense too quickly and we were too naive and unsure of how to handle everything at once.  Our norm became screaming matches and closed minds, and we are both equally to blame. We were so used to disrespecting each other that we never realized it was wrong, and every minor disagreement was rapidly leading us towards our breaking point.  We just assumed that’s how we dealt with frustration and emotions in general, but deep down we both felt awful every day about the things we’ve said to each other. I just can’t deal with the countless grudges and dirty laundry anymore.

However, when you say that you have matured and changed, I 100 percent believe you.  I know you’re not trying to pull the wool over my eyes and I know you genuinely want to make amends, but it’s truly not necessary.  You have no reason to feel guilty. I don’t want you to hurt for the rest of your life, trust me. Although I am completely over you, I still lie awake at night hoping you're okay and when I hear our friends say that you’re not yourself anymore -- it crushes me.  Actually, it genuinely fucks me up. Just because I’m no longer in love with you doesn't mean I don’t love you. I still feel your pain just as I did throughout our entire relationship. But I cannot force myself to trust you again, and I don’t even want to because you deserve better than that.  I know from experience that I will never be able to let go of the grudges of our past, and you shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for your previous mistakes, let alone my mistakes.  I’ll be the first to say that it’s truly unfortunate that we can’t move past this but it must just not be our destiny.  I pray for the day I’ll hear someone say you’re doing better than ever and I can know for sure that you’re in a state of happiness equal to my current state.  So please, just use what you’ve learned from our years together to create a better future for yourself and for everyone you form any type of relationship with in the future.

Oh, and I do want to be friends with you, I just don’t think that’s a possibility right now.  We are not on the same page yet and reaching out would only complicate things at this point. But I know one day we’ll run into each other and hug casually and neither of our hearts will drop into our stomachs nor will our eyes sting.  We’ll laugh and gossip like old times and then go our separate ways without giving it a second thought.

And lastly, I can’t wrap this up without thanking you for some small things that have become much bigger since.  Thank you for being my first love and my first everything else. We were so comfortable around each other from the very start and I’m so thankful that I got to experience so many new things with someone as easygoing and supportive as yourself.  I’m so glad I got over all those ‘firsts’ that are supposed to be painfully awkward in a way that was not even one percent awkward. I guess I just genuinely want to take this as an opportunity to thank you for teaching me so much about love and life, for being my best friend for so long, and for all of the incredible memories. I can’t imagine I’ll be speaking to you directly for quite a while, but I still want to make it clear that I am rooting for you always and I truly cherish the time we had together.

I want nothing but the best for you and I still don’t regret a single thing.  Thanks for everything. Don’t forget to do kind things for others and yourself every once in a while.

Sincerely,

Me