I’ve always been the “thin” girl. In fact, not once has anyone told me I needed to lose weight. Instead, I was always told to “Eat a burger,” or “Get some meat on those bones.” So one day, I tried doing just that.
I tried getting meat on my bones so I ate burgers, but I was so active that those burgers meant pretty much nothing. Excluding the fact that telling someone anything about their weight, whether they’re thin or not, is completely inappropriate and should be left with all of the self image hatred our generation has grown up with. I always felt pressured to convince people that I was eating, but I was always too thing. And like a lot of people, I have body image issues, too. Sometimes, I believed it was the fact that I was a dancer. Being shoved into tiny costumes and under stage lights six to seven times a year was stressful enough, but put in the expectation that all of the girls had to be tiny on top of this stress? It was a recipe for disaster.
I looked in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw, despite the fact that I was never drastically underweight. Maybe by a pound or two, but nothing that caused worry. I wasn’t worried. Until last semester. Last semester was my first semester in college, and the transition was not as easy as people say. Truthfully, it’s really difficult. As much as I love college, being six hours away from home is not easy. And then on top of that, adding a bunch of stressors that accumulated throughout the semester started to make me feel like my life was spiraling out of control.
I made the conscious decision to be “healthy” around the beginning of October of last year. I got a gym membership and attempted to eat as healthily as I possibly could in the dining hall. I downloaded a ton of workout apps and calorie counting apps. The calorie counting apps told me that in order to lose two pounds a week (the most amount of weight most apps will let you lose in that time frame) I needed to eat less than 1,100 calories a day. I decided to test that. I started eating less than 900 calories a day. Keep in mind, that’s not counting the calories I’d burn by going to the gym for an hour-an hour and a half every day, pumping out workouts that killed my body because why not just work out every single piece of my body at once, everyday? I lost weight at first, but not enough. Eventually, my body stopped getting smaller. I couldn’t lose weight for the life of me. Everytime I would eat, maybe a binge session or even just a solid meal, my body would switch into survival mode. It would hold onto every nutrient and every ounce of whatever it could find like my life depended on it, because it did. One day I woke up and my body just hurt. I couldn’t even get up. I felt exhausted, sick and weak. I thought I was just not getting enough sleep, so I slept for twelve hours that day. I didn’t feel better afterwards, so I went to the gym. I lasted about ten minutes before feeling like I was going to pass out. This was the weekend before the semester ended.
It wasn’t until I went back to school after winter break that I realized just how big of a problem I was developing. I would get a wrap, and deconstruct it until I knew exactly how many calories were in it. I looked up the nutrition information for everything. Food became such an anxiety inducing thing, I would literally just cry about it. Food, something that was supposed to give me life, was in turn taking my life away.
I decided to talk to Oswego’s professional dietitian. She told me that an average human being needs 1,200 calories just for your organs to function properly. That’s when I got scared. I was eating at least 300 calories below that. And if I ate 900 calories, that was a day of overeating for me. Together, she and I created a diet plan that suited my caloric intake needs (around 1,400) but also was clean and healthy, therefore making it easy for me to ease into it. I became dedicated to food, but in a healthy way. I even deleted my calorie counter app! Some days are better than others, and these things don’t go away overnight, but I can easily say I have learned a lot about my body and about food in the last two weeks.Something important I’ve learned is that your body is the product of how you live your life. The muscles on my legs may look bigger from time to time, but that’s the product of all of the training I did in order to win at a National Dance Competition. The subtle softness in my stomach, that’s from the late night pizza I shared with my friends while laughing so much I couldn’t breathe. I still eat healthy and I still go to the gym, but the things I’d hate about my body are the product of things I did because I love doing them. So why should I hate those parts of my body?
Another thing: no one is looking at you and saying “Wow, she shouldn’t be wearing/eating/doing that.” Society places this insane and unhealthy image on young girls, demanding they be a size zero, to eat lettuce and show their rib cages as if that’s the only thing that constitutes what makes someone “beautiful”. Comparing ourselves to other people is human nature. I’m not lost on the fact that everyone wishes they looked a little more like that Instagram model. I’m not lost on the fact that everyone sees someone and says “Wow they have their life together,” but the truth is that you’re comparing your behind the scenes reel to someone else’s highlight reel. You don’t know them. You don’t know what they go through on a daily basis. They might be saying the same thing about you. I’ve been all of these places, and I’m sure I will be in the future, but now I will know how to get out of it. And it’s important that you do, too.
The lesson that I carry with me everywhere that gets me through the tough days is this: no matter who I marry, which friends I make or who I lose or gain, at the end of the day I am the person I will spend the entirety of my life with. I am the person who I sleep with every single night, and I am the person who I wake up with every single morning. Some days, I might not be the happiest with myself. I might think I am the last person in the world who deserves to be happy with myself, but I have one life. I have one chance. I have one body I need to care for. I want to make my life the happiest it can be, and the healthiest possible person I can be. Healthy = Happy! Whatever your definition of healthy is, that’s okay, as long as you’re not harming yourself in the process.
So eat. Care for your body. Nourish your body. You need to eat so your body gets the nourishment it needs. If you’re afraid of gaining weight, just eat more healthy! But eat. Eat so your body can function properly. Eat so your mind can develop properly. Eat because when you’re nourished, you feel good. Every meal comes with anxiety, but it lessens every time I’m reminded that by eating a full meal, I won’t gain any weight. Be reminded that you deserve to be nourished and you deserve to love yourself even on the days where it seems impossible. Don’t beat yourself up for bad days; we all have them! But most importantly, don’t give up. You deserve to give yourself at least that.
If you think that you are struggling with any disordered eating, or eating disorders or any unhealthy body image/relationship with food and fitness, visit www.nationaleatingdisorderassociation.org or call their toll free hotline at 1-800-931-2237.