You are a perfectly sane, independent, and free-thinking person. You want to fall in love so hard that your heart displaces every other organ inside you. It’s fine. You won’t need them anyway. You will fill yourself to capacity with this one feeling, and that’s totally sane. You will put all else aside to spend any waking minute with this one person, and that’s totally independent. You will get engaged, get married, have kids, never fight, and most importantly, you will have sex with only each other and all sexual needs will be fulfilled. That totally makes you a free-thinking person.
Please read the preceding paragraph back to yourself in a sarcastic tone. If you already got it the first time, I think you should read it again anyway.
We want our lives to play out like the Hollywood standard. We all want a man that looks at us the way Ryan Reynolds looks at Betty White in The Proposal (when she’s “dying”). The point I am making is that today’s ideals of romance are handed to us through media. I won’t contest the magnificence of the raw love presented to us on the big screen; it feels so warm. It feels so right. What makes it so? Let’s break it down.
Scene
We see two star-crossed lovers meet eyes across a crowded room. The man approaches the girl and asks if she’s having a good time. She looks him up and down and says, “I am now.” They chat about whatever. It doesn’t matter, they’re laughing. They exchange numbers. Cut to, they’ve been dating for 2 weeks and the world is brand new. They work together conquering fears, breaking boundaries, and discovering themselves like a freshman who discovers Red Bull.
When the credits roll, how it ended doesn’t really matter, because we have invested actual feelings into fiction. I know the purpose of fiction is to evoke emotion, but why is it bad to take these stories with us?
Because these stories are not ours. Honestly, these stories belong to no one. The resulting emotions are public property, but they cannot be accessed through imitation. You can’t unlock the gates of love with a pin code. Your story needs to grow organically because love is never found around the mountain, but instead at the peak.
This is normally the point where people nod their heads in agreement. The next part is usually where it gets uncomfortable.
“Organic” is the key word here. In the movies, romance is enticing because it depicts a natural, carbon-based progression. So what is the true moral conveyed? That to access those emotions you so desperately crave, you need to love your own way. Throw out tradition and realize that the classic Hollywood algorithm may not be enough for you.
The goal is to be satisfied. “Sometimes you feel like eating chicken, sometimes you feel like eating beef.” I’m sure you’ve heard this metaphor from some pig of a man, but I’d like you to interpret the message with elevated maturity. People are not meat, but sex in a sense, is like food. You have tastes and cravings that one meal won’t always provide. Perhaps you are constantly hungry, or not hungry at all. Some people hate eating alone. Some people only have time to nuke a burrito. Maybe you only eat Kraft Mac and Cheese. Do you think Oreos would care that you’re snacking on Chips Ahoy? That would be ridiculous! Of course you love them both.
You control what you eat, and it’s nobody else’s business. If you’re happy with your choices, power to you. If not, go on a diet. Treat yourself with respect. Respecting yourself is a balance of indulgence and restraint. Sex is the same.
So you understand this much. This metaphor may resonate with you. Of course it is critical and even normal to live a healthy, satisfying sexual life! Unfortunately, the iron-grip bond between sex and love somehow deprives couples of maxing out their hearts potential.
I just told you to throw out tradition. Try looking at it this way: for so long, the American dollar was backed by a gold reserve. Money had legitimized value from a system out of our control. Sex is our body’s currency. We spend it in ways that adequately meet our list of wants and needs. We can’t survive otherwise. Love is the gold that backs it. We cannot control these feelings. They will always have value, no matter how hard we push it down. Every dollar we spend, however we choose, will be backed by the same reserve.
Let this sink in. I know I haven’t been straightforward, but I wanted to avoid a remedial conversation about swingers and sister wives. I think examples would defeat the purpose. I have no right to suggest how you spend your money. Monogamous, polyamorous, swolly, a lone wolf, a big spender, a free spirit – your sexuality is a fingerprint. These days, too many young people follow relationship standards like lemmings off a cliff, and I don’t know if you have noticed, but I see a lack of honesty in many of these millennial relationships. We know youth has the power to make changes. It’s 2017! Have some cake, buy a corvette, and be honest with yourself.
Love to your capacity. The world could use it right about now.