Currently Accepting Applications for New Friends

Before you even begin reading this article, let me one thing straight: I am not trying to bash my friends. I’m thankful for the exciting and memorable nights that we’ve had together, but I do have some complaints. With that, welcome to my unofficial 'Yelp' review: Friendship Edition.

1. Items seem to be having issues with audio responses

Translation: Unlike an Alexa that might completely miss vocal instructions and cues, lately my friends seem to be “missing” everything I say. (Or just not paying attention).

2. Programing within the device always ends up stuck on the Power-Saver mode

Translation: Apparently actively fighting the urge to exclude me from the plans is such a draining task that most of my friends would rather fall into the comfort of just outright excluding me. I guess replying to texts must be too stressful?

3. System is constantly crashing uncontrollably

Translation: So the one time I am invited to hang out, it’s to take on caring for five drunk girls? Um, no thanks. I don’t really remember popping out the most spontaneous birth since the Virgin Mary overnight. I’m not your mother.

My current plan of action is to either fix the kinks in my friendships, or completely return the products and replace them all together. Whatever the case may be, I am accepting applications.