I’ll admit it, sometimes I turn to Twitter to blow off steam or make stupid and inappropriate jokes. However, over the years I have gotten better at filtering myself, which has led to quite the collection of drafts. So, without further ado, here is a list of some of my best un-tweeted work. (Keep in mind some of these are from up to four years ago, and some are only a few days old.)
“I want some fuckin seafood bro”
“I really don’t like old people like im sorry but i just really cant stand them sometimes”
“Kinda weird but i dont think ive ever seen an adam sandler movie i dont like”
“Yes im a negative ass bitch im sorry i dont shit rainbows & love”
“I hate when dateline adds all these minor details like do you think i have the time to sit here for 2 hours?!! Just tell me who took beverly damnit”
“Unpopular opinion: Velvet clothes are fucking weird”
“Nothin gets me going quite like love in this club by usher”
“Ok but taylor swift back on spotify just solved all of my problems”
“Alexa, lock the doors”
“That one ‘if no one comes in 15 mins we can leave’ guy <<<<<< “
“Oh my fucking god i hate myself *25 laughing crying emojis*”
“O amos
As asteis
A an “
“Literally the ONLY regret i have about dating someone all through high school is that now im SO FUCKING AWKWARD & I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY THE GAME…. FLIRTING IS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN YOURE 13!!!!!”
“Wow dude shits wild”
“Imma bad bitch you cant KEEEL me”
“I miss my family and my dog but i dont ever wanna go home”
“Every sunday my relaxing is interrupted by the football related cheers from men.. They come from all angles.. Its like surround sound”
“I literally will binge a show for a week and then not watch it for months… ive been in the middle of jersey shore since the beginning of august and i havent watched friday night lights since fucking october”
“One direction fucking slaps”
“PSA if i dont hold the door for u im sorry!!!! Trust me, i was really trying but with this damn wind i could barely pry it open enough to squeeze myself in :/ “
“Okay so i kind of have to pee rn but im not gonna get out of bed to go pee & also if i hold it in it will be easier to get out of bed in the morning because ill have to pee”
“Fuckin turd”
“Genuinely do not have the will to live tonight.. i really cant”
“ARE WE HALF WAY THROUGH THE SEMESTER RN????? DA FUCK”
“FUCKING STOP TAKING 2HRS TO TEXT ME BACK U FOOL”
“The one who lost me is begging for me back and the one i want doesnt even see what he’s missing”
“i . love. boys. with. commitment. Issues.”
“I really wanna know what the insta story viewer order is bc im confused”
“Hi ive discovered that i only love men who are problematic hehe <3 :P ”
“I feel like i always used to be stressed and upset over such meaningless stuff, but now things are happening that i actually should be stressed and upset over but ive never been happier..?”
“4 years late and i still quote only by nicki minaj everyday”
“You know what really fucks me up?? The fact that sometimes i sit in class thinking about how dumb i am bc everyone around me seems to know everything.. But isnt the whole point to learn??? Like im not paying to be taught stuff i already know, so why do i feel so dumb for not knowing everything?”
“My professor did NOT just come into class blasting celebrate by kool & the gang bc we finally finished moby dick…”
“Ive decided i am religious afterall harry styles is my dog”
“Yes i am, honey”
“EVERYONE!!! TOMORROW IS CHICKEN PATTY FOR LUNCH & CHICKEN TENDERS FOR DINNER!!!!!!!! CAN I GET A HELLLLLL YEAHHHH”
“My entire day has consisted of writing one paragraph of a final paper and then taking a break and then repeating those steps over and over… not a bad way to get shit done tbh”
“Today my friends and i asked some fancy quartz pendulum questions and it gave us some creepily accurate results… excepted it said one thing that really has me fucked up..apparently i already know my husband…….. So…. no offense to all the men i know but thats kinda disappointing”
“Whenever i see my new tats i start singing “same lips red, same eyes blue, same white shirt, couple more tattoos” & i convince myself that harry styles wrote two ghosts about me…. Im fine, really.”
“Why is the freshman 15 real im so pissed”
“One of my best friend’s just introduced me to his gf as “a writer” … my life is so different than it was a month ago when no one even knew i like to write”
“Yall r fucking nuts”
“Where are you going? The vicar wont be home for hours”