When I was in high school, I came home from the school musical with one of my friends, let’s call her Kelly. The musical was Annie, and she had played one of the orphans. Kelly reminded me of an orphan herself; she was constantly staying at a friend’s house or going between her parents. At one point during our high school experience, she was literally considered homeless because she was living with her boyfriend on and off but had no permanent home. There is nothing wrong with that (besides the neglect from her parents), though I just want to emphasize how normal it was for Kelly to stay at my home and how comfortable she was with me.
So, on this one night after the musical, she came to stay at our home. However, on this particular night, as we cuddled in my bed (which was also pretty normal), and I was little spoon, she had gotten more and more handsy. I eventually turned around to face her and we ended up sleeping together. The next morning, we had breakfast at a diner nearby, and though we would make out or sleep together a few more times when she came to sleep over, our friendship never really changed. Sometimes we would tease each other about it, and some of our friends knew, but we remained just friends. We didn’t even really consider each other to be “friends with benefits” or anything. We were just girls who were friends that sometimes were intimate with each other. It wasn’t weird at all; it just was.
This has happened to me with various friends over the years. It was always the same — we would end up, one way or another, sleeping with each other or even just making out or something, and from then on, we might do it a few more times whenever we felt like it. It was simply another dimension of our friendship. Though me and Kelly are no longer friends for unrelated reasons, she was the first friend who sort of fully embraced this kind of relationship. For both me and my friends who I did this with, it was never about starting any kind of formal romantic relationship, it was really about just being so comfortable with someone that you feel safe enough to organically add it to your relationship (as long as both parties are into it). I never caught romantic feelings for these friends and they didn’t for me either. We had everything we needed for each other contained in the friendship. Along with that, we also respected each other when either of us were in committed romantic relationships. During those times, we both just had an unspoken agreement that it wouldn’t happen. Nothing about it was complicated or drama; it was chill and casual and freeing.
Though I may be mocked for literally suggesting the concept of “free love” that people have been practicing around the world for centuries, interpreted differently in many cultures, it’s something I didn’t give much thought to until I got to college and began analyzing as I thought more about my sexual identity. I also want to emphasize that what I’m talking about isn’t two people in a same sex relationship who consider themselves serious partners — those are legitimate relationships, just like opposite sex couples. Nor is this about all queer relationships, of which there are a variety of different kinds, just like straight ones, and are all valid in their own right. A lot of queer relationships (especially women loving women, or wlw ones) are delegitamized as just “friendships” in the mainstream, which is awful and gross, but it is not what this article is talking about or advocating for. I am just talking about two friends who sometimes get physically intimate.
I am bisexual, and so relationships like these came easy to me. I have been out for a long time, people knew that, and so my friends who were bisexual/gay themselves knew I was a safe person to do something like this with. I was probably lucky that none of the friends I did this with turned it into anything more than what it was. I also know some people may view this as “using” someone else sexually, but it was not that at all. Using someone implies that only one person benefited in the situation, when in fact, it was a consensual and mutually beneficial part of our friendship. Though I only explored this with same-sex friends, I believe that, depending on the people, it could realistically work with any gender pairing out there as long as there was equal reciprocation between people. Of course, I had female friends I knew it would never work out with even if they were attractive to me, simply because of differences in our depth of friendship, comfort level, or personalities. I just think that there needs to be a special kind of comfort or closeness between the friends where this could work as just a dimension of the friendship. Of course, if things escalate beyond “a fun activity we sometimes do as friends” then there needs to be communication, but, that is not something I am going to address here because it’s beyond what I’m talking about.
I think a lot of Western society, America in particular, has this complex about sex that makes it difficult to talk about sex honestly like this. Sex is not some crazy, wild, taboo thing — it is a natural part of life. Every single one of us, no matter who you are or where you are from, crave physical intimacy and pleasure. Humans are social creatures for a reason. Being ashamed of our bodies, whether because of societal beauty expectations or religious beliefs that teach loving yourself is “vain” (which it’s not), is simply a scam in order to stop people from fully appreciating how beautiful this life can be, of which sex is a part of. Though sex can definitely be weaponized, the more we accept the fact that we as humans beings are sexual people and that sex is a normal part of society, the less it can be used to hurt or shame people. It also means the healthier we can all be, because there will be less judgement of sexual identities and practices and more care given to our physical & mental health in general.
These friendships have taught me a lot about myself and also being less judgemental in general. It has motivated me to communicate with my friends more about the things I want, not just about sex either, and it also made me understand what I would want in a serious partner. It also is a great comfort to know that you are an attractive person who is loved, both physically and emotionally. I don’t think everyone could do this because some people are simply just very invested in the emotional side of sex. Though, I will say, I thought I was that type of person too until it kept happening. I realized that we can conceptualize a lot of different sexual, romantic, and platonic relationships that look outside of the binary of what we are told in the mainstream. Both sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum, and I believe the same is true for the types of relationships we are able to have as humans.