Appreciating the Year of Struggle

We are now well into February and I am finally starting to realize that the past year was not truly as bad as I made it out to be.

I am extremely fortunate to say that every year of my life has been better than the last.  Until 2019, I would spend December reminiscing about all the things I did and all the ways I grew over the past 12 months.  But 2019 left me feeling defeated and grasping for new beginnings. December was full of list-making, goal-setting, and forcing myself to believe it was time to grow out of the dumps.

To put it simply, 2019 was full of changes I never thought I would have to face, relapses, and meeting some of my deepest fears. I have always been terrified of being alone — not in the serial monogamous way, but rather the “I love people, I need people to talk to in the good and bad times, and no matter how much I love myself, I will still need to be loved by others” way. I just like having people around it gives me energy and makes me feel whole. In 2019, my relationships with almost everyone I love and cherish have been an absolute rollercoaster. I have struggled to cope with so many things this year, but I finally feel at peace with just about everything and I am so grateful.

Now onto the positives that I’ve finally been able to realize:

In 2019, my college best friend and I fell madly in love with each other. Our relationship has been an absolute dream and I would not be where I am without him — simple as that.  He is the breath of fresh air I was craving for so long. We are each others’ perfect complements, and he makes everything feel light. We don’t worry about the future. We just feel safe, content, and wild together every day. Regardless of what comes, he has been such a constant light in my life, as my friend and my boyfriend, and will remain a monumental player in the most exciting years of my life.

In 2019, I crossed off four of my bucket list concerts (Luke Bryan, Old Dominion, Florida Georgia Line, and Dan and Shay) after a year of hardly any shows. I also got to see Fleetwood Mac, which would have been on my bucket list but wasn’t because it seemed so wildly unattainable. I have wanted to see all of these artists for years and it blows my mind that I saw all of them in one year.

In 2019, I made lifestyle changes that have actually stuck with me. Towards the end of the year, I began creating healthy habits to replace some of my bad ones. I started practicing manifestation, yoga, healthier eating, a consistent sleep schedule, reading for pleasure every day, a steady workout schedule with the appropriate amount of rest, and writing more consistently. I have also spent the last month or two starting my own blog, which is still not ready but stay tuned for that. ;) These are all things I have been attempting to do or dreaming of doing for so long, and I am so proud of myself for finally getting after it. I genuinely feel a hundred times better physically and emotionally just from making tiny little adjustments to my daily routine. I have found that I have so much more time and energy to do the things I love, which in turn, gives me energy to do the boring things that I am obligated to do. Prioritizing my own desires and hobbies to mold them into my day-to-day life has enhanced life greatly. 

So far 2020 has been full of growth, health, and genuine happiness — be thankful.