“So, I have something to tell you,” he said. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
My first breakup was over Instant Messenger for those who remember what that is. He decided to stay hidden behind the screen and keyboard where my reaction wouldn’t be seen.
“If you’re clear about why your relationship has to end and you know that it’s time, you owe it to the person to make the break,” says dating coach David Wygant.
Ending relationships isn’t easy and brings hurt, frustration and a heap of sadness. Although it might not be a Hawaiian vacation, the way you end a relationship can end in chaos. No matter how much time you’ve invested in the relationship, the breakup is the first thing your ex will remember about you. Here are seven ways to not break up with your partner.
1. Under the Influence
Sometimes people need a bit of liquid courage when going through a stressful time, but not a whole bottle of it. Being in an unstable state can cause confusion, especially if you’re speaking gibberish at one point. Drunken minds might speak sober thoughts, but will not always be the best when you’re unaware of your actions. According to Psychology Today’s Dr. Sean M. Horan, “Alcohol lowers our inhibition levels, which may cause us to express messages that we may not normally express if we were sober. People drunk dialed because they had more confidence, had more courage, could express themselves better, and felt less accountability for their actions.” Make sure both of you are on the same level of understanding when breaking the bad news.
2. Using Cliches
“Opening with “It’s not you, it’s me” is just going put your partner on the defensive from the start. Skip the line and get right to explaining specifically and succinctly what it is about you that makes this relationship a mismatch,” said Psychology Today’s Dr. Linda Young. If you’re going to break up, it obviously wasn’t you; it was your partner. Also, don’t use the “let’s be friends” line. You just broke up with your partner; don’t give him/her another thing to think about. Give your partner space and allow him/her to make the decision to be potential friends.
3. Being Remote
Distancing yourself from your partner is not a good way to end things. Hiding behind your words can be one of the worst ways to be remembered by an ex. It shows you didn’t have enough courage to do it in person. Dr. D. Ivan Young, a relationship coach, says, “You need to communicate with the person you’re having the issue with.” There are new ways to break up long distance such as video messaging on the computer and phones, but it will mean more and show your compassionate side if the split is done face-to-face.
4. During a Date
Telling your partner that you’re no longer interested in being in a relationship before, during or after a date is equivalent to a sneak-attack during a battle; it ruins the mood. Don’t make your partner take the time to put on their best dress or their fanciest button-down just for you to end things on a surprise last date. Call your partner to talk in a comfortable setting to discuss the relationship. Don’t ask your partner out to dinner and a movie because no matter what movie you bring him/her to, it won’t have a happy ending.
5. After Investments
If you have a relationship with no future, say something before it becomes complicated. Making moves you’re unsure of can be painful for your partner and possibly lead to financial instability. Young, the relationship coach said “Before you’re locking yourself up, make sure you’re locking yourself to the right thing.” Making an investment together can be a difficult situation to get out of, and while it can be done, why make it harder on both of you by waiting to end the relationship badly?
6. Cheating
“One common method for getting rid of an unwanted mate is to start an affair, perhaps by sleeping around in an obvious manner or arranging to be seen with the opposite sex in some other questionable situation,” said David Buss, author of Evolution of Desire. If your partner finds you with another person, most likely the relationship will end. It doesn’t matter how much you want to get out or how much another person wants you, there is bound to be an awkward overlap if you want to look bad. But if you want to leave on a positive note, just take a couple weeks off before getting back in the game.
7. Avoidance
Clarity is the best way to get your partner to understand what you want. If you begin to ignore phone calls, texts, emails and your door, your message will be heard clearly. By using the silent treatment, it will only make your partner upset and confused. Famed television psychologist Dr. Phil says, “Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.” Be honest and tell him/her that it just isn’t working for you. End the relationship with dignity. The feelings of being hurt will still be there, but at least your partner will know that you weren’t afraid to pick up the phone.
If you know in your heart the relationship is not working out, ending it is the sensible thing to do–the sooner, the better. There is no “right” way to do this, but there is a healthy, responsible way to end a relationship. The goal is to split on good terms with your partner and avoid these seven worst mistakes in the history of breaking up.