For anyone who is single, or even worse, in a situationship this Valentine’s season, you might find yourself looking around at all of the couples around you and wonder how they made it work. These days, dating can be so complicated. Especially in college, meeting people with the same intentions as you sometimes seems impossible, let alone someone you actually like, too. You might find yourself asking your taken friends for advice, or you might turn to the internet. There is lots of advice about dating and romance floating around, and while some of it might be good, I find that others can be misleading or unrealistic. With love on everyone’s minds this week, here are my hot takes on four popular romance adages.
“if they wanted to, they would.”
I have seen this adage everywhere in the past few years. It means that if your partner or romantic interest isn’t doing something/acting a certain way that you would like them to, it means they don’t care enough to. On social media, I’ve seen people live by this, ending either relationships or situationships because their partner isn’t passing this “test.” While I think this saying can be true in some cases, in general, I don’t think I agree with it.
Don’t get me wrong–if you are not being treated the way you know you deserve, I firmly believe that you should find someone better. If you are constantly begging your partner to do something or you are being strung along for months waiting for your situationship to make it official, this adage applies.
On the other hand, I believe that one of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is effective communication. No matter how much we would like them to be able to, our partners can’t read our minds. If you are expecting something from them that they are not doing, there’s a good chance they just genuinely do not know what you want from them. After a simple conversation, there’s a good chance they would be more than willing to do what you’re asking. In my opinion, it’s more telling that your partner listens to your needs and acts on them.
If you’re not yet in a relationship with someone, but you would like to be, this popular adage can be confusing. Maybe you’re expecting something from them, but since you’re not official, they might think they’re being too much if they act a certain way. Even more likely–maybe they’re just nervous. Ask yourself: would you do what you’re hoping they will? Why or why not?
In the world of dating today, I think we are too caught up in reading these indirect signals. How fast are they replying? Did they text me good morning? Do they still have that dating app? Did they view my Instagram story? It doesn’t have to be that complicated. I think a healthy relationship will never ask you to depend on factors like these.
“when you know, you know.”
Que the Lana Del Ray–I think this adage is true. Barf.
In all seriousness, I think it’s important to keep in mind that this adage is different from “love at first sight.” It’s not saying that you will lock eyes with someone from across the room and automatically know that they’re the one for you. It’s saying that at some point during your time with someone, there will come a point where you just know. It’s not an “ah-ha!” moment and it’s not a conscious decision. It’s just a realization that you eventually come to have.
Don’t let this add pressure to your relationship, though. I don’t believe you have to “know” right away–honestly, you probably shouldn’t. It should take some time to get to know and understand the person before you decide that they’re right for you. And then eventually, when you know, you know!
“Relationships are hard. Love isn’t.”
I agree with half of this. Love isn’t hard. Love is something that you should know without having to think about it. It should be something you feel without having to force it. Love isn’t hard because you feel it whether you try or not, and it is the best feeling ever!
As for the other half, yes–relationships can have their struggles. No one is perfect, and you can’t expect someone to do everything right and make you happy 100% of the time–especially when you are with them long term. But that being said, no–maintaining your relationship as a whole should not be a difficult task. In fact, I believe that relationships should be easy. If you are constantly fighting to stay with someone, or they are constantly disappointing you but you refuse to leave because “relationships are hard,” please know that is not how it should be. This might sound harsh, but I think that this adage is something people who are unhappy in their relationships say to make themselves feel better about putting up with it.
“Love finds you when you stop looking for it.”
Unfortunately, I do think this relationship adage is somewhat true. Yes, I know–that’s not what anyone wants to hear. If you want to find love, how are you supposed to stop looking for it?
Well, I think this adage is a little more complex in its meaning. In my experience, it’s less about stopping looking for love and more about stopping centering love. If you spend every day with the search for romance on your mind, it’s easy to lose yourself in the process. Your standards become lower and you begin to base your self-worth on whether or not you are successful in your dating life. If you do end up finding someone who wants to pursue a romance, you become more focused on making sure they like you than making sure you like them. You stress yourself out about the little things, and then it’s easy to self-sabotage.
If you find love, great. If you don’t right now, you need to be okay with yourself and your life on your own. When you stop prioritizing the search for a romantic partner, they’ll come when you least expect it.
the most important adage to remember…
It’s okay and normal to want to find someone to build a relationship with. Love is amazing! But amidst all of this advice and these adages, love should be an addition to your life, not your whole life. It should be something that makes you happier, not the sole thing that makes you happy. Even though it can be hard to be around all of the romance and couples this Valentine’s Day, don’t forget about all of the love that can be found in friends, family, your passions, and yourself.
