If you’re one of the many girls who identify themselves as a “hopeless romantic,” you’ve probably been there. You’re SO into this guy who seems so absolutely perfect to the point where it’s almost suspicious; then, a few months down the road, you find yourself crying over a tub of ice cream and a bottle of wine, wondering how you could be so stupid.
Some of us extra hopeless romantics have even managed to do this more than once. And as much as we hate to admit it, sometimes it’s us. Sometimes we are so afraid of losing this “perfect guy,” that we become crazy ourselves. Other times, however, it’s the guy that turns into the crazy person. In this situation, it can be harder to see the truth in the blinding midst of his swooning one-liners, charming smile, and “nice guys finish last” approach to sex.
It’s all fine and dandy until his switch is flipped, and that’s when things can turn ugly, fast. Although it can be hard to spot them, there are signs that can help you to determine whether this guy is here to love you or hurt you. Here’s a list of seven based on personal experiences:
1. He has a new “best friend” every month.
He’ll probably have a plausible explanation for this. This guy is a douche, that guy’s girlfriend is a bitch, he just stopped talking to me one day, etc. Sometimes the stories are true, but more often than not, it’s him. If he can’t hold on to a friendship, chances are, he can’t hold on to a romantic relationship either, and probably for a good reason.
2. He won’t take “no” for an answer.
You might shrug this off as stubbornness at first, but if he starts showing a general disregard for your feelings, that’s a red flag. A guy who truly cares would be patient enough to try to listen and understand you. Keep in mind though, a little persuasion isn’t totally harmful—it’s the guilt tripping and “my way or the highway” approach that can do the real damage. His lack of understanding and refusal to compensate could lead to an abusive superiority complex later down the road.
3. He thinks he’s “the sh*t.”
There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance. His life-of-the-party attitude might be what attracted you in the first place, but this can often go awry when he starts to belittle you with his pretentious self esteem. The problem will most likely present itself in arguments, or even just when he’s drinking. It might start off as a simple situation in which you tell him something great that has happened to you recently, and he congratulates you, but then immediately brings the attention back to himself. You may not see it as a problem at first, but it will usually lead to worse situations, such as him drunkenly reminding you that he can have any girl he wants. Your boyfriend is supposed to be making you feel good about yourself; if he’s consistently doing the opposite, it’s time to forget him.
4. He has a MAJOR selective hearing problem.
This usually goes hand-in-hand with the last one. Egotistical guys like that usually have a terrible case of selective hearing, in which the compliments go straight to their head, while the constructive criticisms go in one ear and directly out the other. If he has been showing all of these signs so far but you think he has the capacity change, think again. Guys like this don’t want to change because they don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong. Arguing about the same things over and over again is emotionally draining, so stop wasting your breath already and move on.
5. He can’t control his emotions.
This will probably start to happen later down the line, if at all, or maybe only when he’s been drinking. But drunk or not, lack of self-control is a major sign of craziness. If he seems to get frequent bursts of uncontrollable emotion and is starting to make you feel unsafe, it’s likely he has some anger issues that aren’t going to get any better. Especially if heavy drinking or another type of substance abuse accompanies it, it can get dangerous. Remember that being intoxicated is NEVER an excuse to harm you physically or emotionally. Regardless of his BAC level, the damage is still being done. Some red flags that you might catch early are holes that he has punched in his walls or an oddly frequent tendency to break things “accidentally.”
6. He lies for no reason.
Have you caught him in any weird lies lately? Silly lies with no justification behind them can be evidence of a compulsive liar, and typically mean there are bigger things he’s hiding. A couple of white lies, however dumb they may be, are often not worth dwelling on, but on the other hand, if you’re starting to get the strong feeling that you can’t trust him, you probably shouldn’t be with him.
7. He feels no remorse for his actions.
I hate to get all psychologist on you, but this is one of the big warning signs of a sociopath. In other words, it’s something you really shouldn’t overlook. On a less dramatic note, it takes a little common sense and gut feeling to determine a genuine lack of remorse; arguments that you aren’t able to settle could be nothing. Nevertheless, if he has done the unforgivable and has yet to make an honest apology, or if he apologized, but then later on continued to put the blame on you somehow, it’s a big problem that might be there to stay. I’m talking big, hurtful mistakes here, like cheating or hitting you. The fact of the matter is that if he doesn’t truly feel bad for what he did, he’ll probably do it again.
Bad relationships are hard to spot sometimes because no relationship is perfect. And likewise, it can be tough to differentiate the relationships that deserve a second chance from the ones that are hopeless. With all of that in mind, remember that determining whether you’re in a good or bad relationship cannot be confined to a simple equation. In my opinion, the best way to think about it is to put yourself in the shoes of someone who cares about you. Hypothetically saying, they knew everything that has happened; would they advise you to stay in the relationship or get out? Feelings aside, if he’s showing most of these signs, it’s seriously time to move on. (You’ll thank me later.)