A Night of Reflecting: I Graduate in Two Days

I graduate college in 2 days. You could assume I’m feeling nearly every feeling, but mostly it’s excitement and fear. I’m listening to music--introspective indie, I guess you could say--and reflecting on the last four years.

I graduate college June 11th and, coincidentally, I graduated high school on June 11th, four years ago. This means that on this actual day, June 9th, four years ago, I was probably doing the same thing I’m doing now--reflecting on my last four years, but this time it feels different.

The fear is still there, but it’s being overpowered by excitement, because this time around--I feel ready.

These last four years of college, of existing, have been a whirlwind of different experiences peppered with every emotion combined. They weren’t easy, not at all. There were many times I felt very scared, very alone, and very sure I wanted to quit--school and existing all together.

Throughout these last four years, I learned a lot about myself. I learned about my Bipolar Disorder and PTSD, I learned that I sometimes picked up habits that could hurt me, because I thought I deserved the pain. I learned that someone’s past can affect them a lot more than it should--but most importantly, I learned that none of this has to control me anymore.

This isn’t going to be sad post.

The first few years of college were difficult, but you know what? The last year or so has been exactly what it has needed to be.

I am not my diagnosis, I am not my mistakes, I am not a culmination of all the people who hurt me, I AM NOT MY PAST.

I am strong. I am loved. I am VALUABLE.

When I graduated high school four years ago, I was a different person. I was a sad person, I was a person with no hope, I was a person who had already decided they weren’t worth anything good. I graduated high school with a D-average and no aspirations.

Today, I’m graduating from a university with a degree in New Media Communications  and a minor in writing.

Today, I’ve been published in numerous magazines and newspapers, have held a radio show for four years, have received my first ever 4.0 GPA, have met some of the most inspiring people who I know love me and who support me, and have gone on countless adventures with them.

Today, I am no longer punishing myself for all the things I couldn’t control.

Today, I’ve decided I am worth living for.  

I’m not sure what lies ahead for me, but I know whatever it is, I’m ready.  

Life is just a collection of small moments that come together to create one big, brief moment in time and I don’t want to miss out on them anymore, because I don’t think I’m worth it. Because I am.

I graduate college in 2 days--I did it.