My friends and I joke about me being “an old man,” because I am seemingly behind on the times. I’m not always up to date with the lingo; the amusement found in TikToks is mostly lost on me; I do not nor have I ever had a Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Unsurprisingly, I was the last of my friend group to download Tinder. Everyone I know downloaded the app about four years ago when I began my education at SUNY Oneonta; I am now a senior set to graduate in May. My curiosity finally got the better of me, and I wanted to appease my friends’ coaxing, so I decided to try it out for a few months. Of course, I was skeptic. Tinder is notoriously known as the hook-up app. I am aware of alternatives that are supposed to be a bit more promising, but I think Tinder is the household name, meaning it is well-known and used by many, and that is why I want to talk about it. I think it is also worth noting, Tinder has worked for people before. My cousin met her husband through the application, and my friend’s sister met her husband through the application as well. The idea of forming a genuine connection with someone via the app is not some far off concept to me. Success stories do exist. To clarify, this is not an anti-Tinder piece, per se. It is more an exploration into why and how we are using the application. I think it’s important to make some distinctions on the groups of people using the application. There are the people who are clearly there to hook up with someone and often say so as plainly or hit you with the “What are you on here for?” Cue the inevitable eye roll if you are not on there for that as well. To each his own. Then, there is the faction of people who are genuinely looking for a relationship. I am going to make, perhaps a bold claim, and say this is the minority. Personally, I do not quite fit in this category. I think there is another group of users – the “I’m not sure why I’m on here” folks. And, by that, I don’t mean someone who is on the prowl but is trying to be coy. I am talking about people who are seriously not looking to hook-up but aren’t sure if they are actually looking for anything long-term. Are we on there to date non-exclusively? Maybe. I have friends that have gone on a couple of dates as a result of using the app over the years. The dates didn’t go anywhere concrete, and at least on the surface, the people I know didn’t seem to have gained much from the experience. They still long for something more, so maybe they do want something long-term. So, what keeps them coming back to the app? The hope that they will be the one percent, my cousin or friend’s sister who found their life- long matches? Probably not. They still belong to the group of people who are on there, but who aren’t sure why.
This is when a dating app becomes a game. But I think there is a danger in this game we play, if we are not aware of what exactly is going on. It is a game of validation. We are swiping right and left waiting to get matches, so we can feel good about ourselves. I found myself tempted to swipe right just out of curiosity. I knew I probably wouldn’t be interested in a person in real life, but I wondered what they thought of me. Based on many conversations with my friends, I know I am not alone in this inclination. Is this breeding a culture of poor self-esteem, where we are partially relying on swipes right to see ourselves as attractive or as viable partners? Or maybe it is breeding a culture of narcissism where we become passively fixated on collecting matches just to remind us that we are desirable? Maybe both go hand in hand. Beyond the danger this could be having on our mental health, the validation we are receiving isn’t even accurate. Dating applications narrow people down to a few interests and still images. Disclaimer: there is nothing wrong with valuing sexual attraction. It is not shallow- if you are not a-sexual, being sexually attracted to your partner is an important factor in a relationship. However, we aren’t even making well rounded judgements when we make snap decisions like this on dating apps. We are missing big pieces of the puzzle. I have been attracted to people that I never would have been on paper, but because I saw them in person – their movements, their mannerisms, their general aura, things were different. This isn’t about looks v. personality. Everything I just listed is what some might say “lacks depth” or is “shallow.” The issue is that we aren’t even clearly seeing a person on a basic physical, outside level when we swipe right or left on a dating app. We are also deluding ourselves into thinking we know what a person is about. We put people into boxes because of what their bio says. This could happen at a bar in real life if you were to strike up a conversation with someone; you may try to get a read on them. But I think you are more likely to believe there is still some mystery to the person in the bar versus the person on Tinder who summed up their whole being into a few likes and dislikes. We hear the person in the bar out because we are not primed to perceive them a certain way. Or at least we are primed on a much smaller, less obvious scale. I also found myself in some interesting situations while I used the app. I began to wonder about the ethics of swiping right. I knew I wasn’t there to hook-up, but I also knew I probably wasn’t looking for anything too serious either. Maybe I was on there for validation and the slight chance I might hit it off with someone. But I began to question who to swipe right on. Is it in good conscience to swipe right on someone you just find conventionally attractive but from their photos and bio can tell your lifestyles likely won’t align? Or would that be falling into the priming trap I described earlier? Also why do these dating apps allow users to set their distance so far if the app is meant to bring people together? It seems counterintuitive and perpetuates the validation game. And then what happens when you see someone on the app that you have seen or know in real life at your college? The temptation to swipe right out of mere curiosity is even greater, but is it in good faith? I don’t think it is worth the risk of potential awkwardness, but I also found myself more interested in people who I had seen before in real life. Firstly, I knew I was making a more informed decision about my potential attraction to the person. And, secondly, the stakes were higher because it seemed like a real-life possibility in comparison to the abstract validation game. But, is that a good reason to be on a dating app? I think it defeats the purpose of the application. If I wanted to confirm interest in someone I have seen or know on
campus, there is a far less indirect, arguably childish way of coming to that conclusion. Dating applications should help you reach people close by who you may not have met otherwise. This also segues into another situation I encountered which I found of particular interest. I would sometimes see people I knew my friends had an interest in or had once upon a time expressed attraction to. It’s easy to say you probably shouldn’t pursue a friend’s ex-boyfriend or sexual partner. It may even be easy enough to say you shouldn’t pursue someone your friend has an eye on potentially. This is easy to put into practice in a bar. I would never chat up a guy I knew my friend wanted to talk to, even if it is all in theory. There’s something about the physical act of it that makes it seem more like a lapse in loyalty to your friend. However, things get a bit more skewed, greyer online. How serious is a swipe right, especially when your friend isn’t and was never involved with the person, but you know it might bother them if you were to match with the person they would have liked to match with? I don’t think there is too much harm in it, but I think it is worth exploring. While dating apps don’t have to be taken all that seriously and usually aren’t, it would not hurt to look critically at our usage because interesting things are happening beneath the surface. In the end, I am still a skeptic, but I value my time on the app because it led me to critical thinking about what I was doing and what I hoped to gain. My roommate recently wondered out loud if our dating culture will turn into the “Hang the DJ” “Black Mirror” episode, in which people found their perfect match based on an extremely accurate algorithm. Are we too far off from that future? I think we have a ways to go. And, truthfully, I don’t think an algorithm can speak for chemical attraction or shared experiences that can lead to attraction. There is also the romantic in me that does not want to believe we will be relying on profiles to meet our soulmates. With Valentine’s Day upon us, I can’t help but feel that I’d rather believe in meet-cutes, chivalry, and all the other cliché, rom-com goodness. And on a light note, I also want to close with a song recommendation that likely sums up every young woman’s Tinder experience: Siri, Open Tinder by Childbirth. Happy listening and, if you choose to stick with it, happy swiping!
HCXO,
Angelina