I made the decision to live in a one-bedroom apartment my junior year of college knowing I would have to make adjustments, yet I was unaware of how drastic the change would be.
Once I moved into my apartment, I realized that I was not fully aware of the modifications I would have to make due to my change of surroundings. I was so comfortable and familiar with the safe, cozy bubble of living on campus; that bubble was popped when I moved off campus into a more chaotic environment. The privacy and tranquility of living alone comes at the price of not having the security of housemates to come home to at night. As a twenty-year-old woman who has lived through trauma and came out on the other side healthier and happier, I did not realize that this new chapter of my life would release insecurities from my past. I was feeling scared and vulnerable because of my fear of being a woman living by myself, but I am learning how to empower myself and own my space. I love my apartment and I am grateful for the experience of living alone at a time when it is affordable.
My father handed me a whistle to attach to my keys when we were shopping for supplies in case someone tries to follow me home or hurt me. When I stared at the whistle, it seemed to stare right back at my fear. My fear manifested its way into my subconscious thoughts and behavioral patterns. I started to frantically check my coat closet, bathroom, and closets in my room every time I came home just in case of an unexpected visitor. I tried to FaceTime my boyfriend until we had to wake up because the sound of his breathing made me feel like I was protected. On days when that was not possible, I found myself waiting to sleep until the sun came up no matter how tired my body was. I became frustrated to no end because I wanted my apartment to be a peaceful space to write, make art, study, and relax in. I realized I was capable of solving the cause of these brewing emotions, by acknowledging my feelings, and creating solutions instead of letting my fears own me. I came to the conclusion that I do not need to live in a bubble in order to feel safe and secure. My whistle is only a whistle now.
I used to keep my dorm unlocked because the chances of someone unwarranted entering with any negative intentions were very slim. Now I keep my apartment locked at all times, whether I am in it or not, because the town I live in is prone to robberies and break-ins; the doors of my apartment building automatically lock once they are shut as well. I advise anyone who would prefer to live alone to pick a location with friends nearby in case of an emergency; I live two doors down from a friend of mine living in the same apartment building. I also live next door to fifteen girls in the apartment building right next door. Earlier in the semester, I accidentally left my coffee pot on when I left for class and my friend living two doors down was able to come in and turn it off for me. As mundane as that situation is, it gives me great comfort knowing that I have friends within a close proximity just in case a situation more severe arises. My whistle remains on my key-chain which I carry at all times.
These preparations help me feel more secure, but what makes me feel truly confident is knowing that my experiences do not make me vulnerable, they make me knowledgeable. I want the life I live to be full of insight and openness. I am glad for this experience allowing me to grow and develop as a person. I am ready to live my life outside of my bubble.
HCXO,
Alexa