Dear Diary,
Last year was an unexpected turmoil of heartbreak, sickness, and failure, but most of all was also a new discovery of myself. Last year was my first year away. I transferred to SUNY Oneonta with a boyfriend of over two years, a “happy” interior of myself, and with the hope that things will work out for me. I was hesitant to go away because I wasn’t ready for change, I wasn’t ready to leave home, and I wasn’t ready to leave my boyfriend. I assumed my first year away would be hard, but not as hard as it turned out to be. I haven’t been able to write about this entire experience until now, and I feel stronger knowing that.
I was unexpectedly broken up with two months into the semester. After that, my entire year went downhill. I never thought it would be me; yes, a lot of people break up at college, but I thought my relationship would stand the test of time. I, of course, was naïve and immature. I always had anxiety since I was young, but it became crippling. Every time someone mentioned me and my ex, I’d break into tears. I was faced with anxiety and depression. I became insecure, anti-social, and above all unhappy. I was always an overthinker, but now it was worse than it had ever been. Did he even really love me? Is there someone else? Was I just not good enough? These were a few questions of many that would run through my mind day-in and day-out. I would not let myself accept the fact that maybe this just wasn’t mean to be.
My grades began to suffer, I became irritated with my closest friends, and I missed fun memories at school because I went home almost every weekend to try and feel happy. I can’t even try and count the number of times that I cried over something that I couldn’t change. I had started to get extreme stomach pains that in the end turned out to be from stress. It is so important to take care of your mental health; your body knows when you are stressed. Breakups suck, but having a strong mentality is what will get you through. My friends and family noticed a change in my attitude; I was more irritable, angry, and more closed off than ever before. This wasn’t who I am. My ex and I stayed in touch, which was more damaging than anything. We needed to take a break, a complete break, and that wasn’t happening. I was so unhappy for so long, that I didn’t know if I could ever heal from that, but I eventually did. Some things aren’t meant to last. I know this is cheesy, but when one door closes, another opens.
Looking back on all of this, I realized that it had to happen to get me to where I am now. I am busier than ever! I am more involved than ever! Best of all, I have been having the most fun with my friends, ever! My friendships are the strongest they’ve ever been, I am more involved on campus than ever before, and I also have an internship and a job this semester as well. For me, keeping busy was the answer. It’s okay to be sad, but it’s not okay to put the entire blame on yourself. There will be loss and heartbreak in everyone’s life. The way you handle it will bring out your true character. Through my heartbreak, I realized who was there for me. My friends and family were very supportive, and for that, I am so grateful. I am stronger, more confident, and happier than ever. I went to school this year with a stronger mentality and a happier soul in general. It’s my last year here, and it’s the best yet.
HCXO,
Emma Muirhead