In honor of Gay Pride Month and National Coming Out Day last week, I wanted to share the story of how I came to figure out who I really am.
I grew up with an immediate family that was moderate, but my extended family ranges from really conservative to really liberal. I learned from a young age to not discuss ‘adult’ things with my family such as any and all social views. Not to say that my family has never been supportive; they all pushed me to attend college. However, I knew from a very young age that I was attracted to women. The issue with that was I grew up going to a very conservative church where I learned that the only love for someone of the same sex was a platonic love. I always had conflicted feelings because there were girls in my classes that were just so damn pretty, and I wanted to hold their hands, but not in a friend way.
To cope with this feeling of being ‘wrong,’ I dove into my studies. I refused to admit that emotions existed, but things changed when I entered junior high. I developed feelings for a guy in my class, and I thought for sure that I just imagined every skip of a heartbeat I felt for girls. It was wrong to feel that way in the first place, right? Well, after a while of friends convincing this boy to ask me out, I finally had my first boyfriend. We were together for a few months, and my best friend was dating his brother! How cool was that? Unfortunately, the relationship ended within a few months when I had my first real kiss with a girl. I was as in love with this girl as any seventh grader could be, but she was my friend, I was dating someone, and it was wrong to feel that way. On her birthday, she kissed me. It happened in front of the boy I was dating, and that ended the relationship. After that, my friends and I started experimenting by kissing each other. This time period consolidated some of my friends in their heterosexuality, but I still had those feelings towards girls.
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My first and only girlfriend tore my world to shreds. I had liked her since we were around six and eight. One night during the summer before my freshman year of high school, we played truth or dare with my cousins and some other friends. That was when we found out that we liked each other. We started secretly dating after that, and it did not last very long, as most relationships of that age period. I was so thoroughly enthralled by this girl that I could not stand even being in the same room with her after we broke up. It took a few years before I could even look her in the face.
Fast forward to a church trip my sophomore year, a group of my friends and I were in a cabin playing Spin the Bottle. There were three girls and one guy, so inevitably the girls ended up kissing. It was probably the most conflicted that I had felt about my sexuality. I was falling into the devil’s trap by entertaining what my flesh wanted. I resolved to not be with girls on an intimate level and to keep my devotion strictly to my God.
Time passed and I struggled with my faith, mostly because how could people so judgemental really know the will of God? How could they preach about love and acceptance, yet speak of the LGBTQ community going to hell? Wasn’t the way to salvation through believing that Jesus died on the cross for our sins? It did not make sense to me. I threw away my faith, but I knew that something else was out there. I researched so many religions and finally came into a Wicca/Pagan faith in my senior year of high school.
Once I left the Christian faith, my self-doubts about who I was had vanished. I became happier without the guilt of my sexuality weighing down on me. I thrived in the fact that my goddess and god would not judge me for loving whom I wish. By this time my friends all knew that I was attracted to my same sex. I just was not comfortable dating another girl after my first girlfriend left me devastated.
Flash forward to the best summer of my life, the summer of 2018. I met some amazing people that really helped me learn what it was like to be happy. Among those people was an amazing girl I went on a couple dates with. She truly made me feel alive. Every second I spent with her made me feel like I was finally realizing who I was. I never figured that I would meet someone who would help me refine my energy into being positive and warm 99.9% of the time, but I did. By the time I transferred to Ole Miss, I knew that my love for others was not confined to sex or gender identity. I had the ability to love anyone on a platonic or romantic level. I can now confidently say that I am pansexual.