Fake News is Good News: A Satire

by Ellie Greenberger

Haven't you heard? Facts are not always true. Truth isn't always true. Facts and truth aren't real anymore. Because, you see, facts and truth are subjective. You may think the sky is blue, but I may politely disagree. I may think from the angle I’m staring at, with the light from the sun hitting in just this way, that the sky maybe, possibly, is white and not blue.

Oh, wait. No, that was a cloud.

But my whole point is still that facts and truth are not always true. That means that since news is supposed to be full of facts that news isn’t always true either.

I mean, I’m sure you have heard of fake news. I personally support it. I don’t see the harm in convincing some unsuspecting citizen of something that didn’t happen.

Why do I support it?

First off, it is just the sharpening of your skills. As a kid, I got in trouble for telling lies. I would have had chocolate on my face and my mom would ask if I had ruined my dinner. I would of course say no, and she would instruct me not to lie. She immediately knew that I was lying because I had the evidence right there with me. Now as I got older, I learned how to lie without getting caught. It is the very intricate business of telling enough of the truth without telling the whole thing.

So, I support fake news because they are working on improving that skill. I encourage everyone to sharpen all of their skills no matter what they are. Especially, if they are a little delayed in development because that skill is the same one teenagers use to sneak out of the house to see their boyfriends.

Secondly, I support that fake news because by using it we are accomplishing the aspirations of our predecessors. Our country is well known for following the wisdom of those that came before us. George Washington warned in his farewell address against forming political parties, and our country has abstained from doing such. (Well kind of. At least we have less than some European countries.) We exhibit Abraham Lincoln’s famous saying, "A house divided against itself cannot stand," each time we succeed in being so divided that the government shuts down. So why should we not also attempt to follow Thomas Jefferson. He once said, “The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.” Today, we are making his mere words a reality, and I think he would be proud.

Finally, I support fake news because it leads to more discussion. There is nothing that strikes up discussion like controversy. Fake news is just that, controversial. But there is good in controversy. It leads to enthusiastic altercations which give pleasure to those that enjoy watching the argument bounce like a verbal game of ping-pong. The emotional stakes, just like in a game of ping-pong, are heightened. Professional athletes have learned to control most of their emotions, but a ping-pong game among friends, there is nothing more dangerous to concealed annoyances than the slap of a paddle. And just like those errant balls that bounce one too many times or in a completely unexpected direction commentary flows and then sputters, choking on foot that just got stuck in one’s mouth.

So I surmise that there is no greater news in life than fake news. You sharpen your skills, achieve the dreams of our forefathers, and provide a forum for discussion. Now I am sure there are those people that will argue against me. You may say that fake news is harmful. But remember that I started this saying that truth and facts not always true. Any of your possible proclamations of fake news’ adverse effects are merely your version of the truth. Thank you for reading my version of the truth.

Yours truthfully,

Ellie Greenberger